Hello

[714Dad]

Mediator called Friday. They received the petition for dissolution of marriage.

I had the girls all weekend. GAL went to the fair and had great fun with the girls, but wished my W was there most of the time. Especially when I saw a crepes with nutella stand. that was her favorite thing in paris.

D3 told me mom was going to take grandma to paris. made my heart clench because that was in my five year plan. but i pushed through it telling myself, "i'm happy for her to be happy. i want her to be herself. i love her and she deserves to be happy."

I had a small dinner for D6 because it was her birthday. W and i agreed that the party was a joint event the next day. She saw photos and was livid saying i had a party without her. there were some presents from people who couldn't make the other party and there was a small cake that one of her friends brought for her. I should have invited W or told her about it just to reach out, but I didn't want her to get angry. She gets so mad when she comes in the house now.

Speaking of, on sunday she came over to get some linens and got really upset over the paining i'd done and the glow in the dark stars i put up in the girls room. she said something like, "how come now you can do all these things that i wanted you to do for years when we were married!?" then she got really agitated and whisper yelled "that's it we're selling this house!" i just kept quiet. she looked at me and said,"I hate you, I hate you." as she was looking through drawers and seeing the things i've changed (which i did when they were gone over a month ago). (i've even started ironing clothes because i can now).

the only reason she saw the changes in the house was because D3 and D6 were really excited to show her.

had D6s official party. it was horrible to have to be so close to my W and not be able to talk to her or touch her or be affectionate. i got into a confident mood after a while and was more assertive.

i looked at my wife at the end of the party and sincerely thanked her for planning the afternoon. I told her I was sorry and I hadn't intended to hurt her feelings by not telling her about the dinner last night.

As we left I told her how nice it was to see her smiling and laughing again. she let a smile crack her usually stone faced facade and i turned away and went home with my girls to ride scooters and play frisbee. then we watched tv and i got them into bed.

so today i just can't stop thinking about her. i need to detach and not feel so badly. but she looked so amazing. she's obviously been working out, and she's as gorgeous as ever. it's agonizing to see her and just have her be an acquaintance i know at a party.

God how badly i want to stop feeling this. It's so hard to watch all of this future slip away. All these plans in the sand, and i never noticed how the tide was coming in all this time. now they're just being washed away and there's nothing i can do to stop them.