Another evening of more conversation. Started with H looking through the mortgage payments. H said that why did it take me to realise he was going to walk, for me to change. Why didn't I do this 5 years earlier. I knew I didn't like the arguments, shouting etc and I still comtinued to do this. I said that I made changes in this area. H said he doesn't believe the changes I made a few years ago and now.
Said OW1 and OW2 are just friends. I validated and agreed that this was my aha moment. Said that H didnt make it clear what he terms my emotional abuse and bullying. Said it took him months to get over that and what happened with OM. Said he did tell me but I didn't listen. I guess I didn't.
He will always love me but we would never be together In that way again. Gave me some details about OWs and said that he only told them he loves them in a way friends do. (I did not give him details how I knew). Said Ow2 will never leave her partner. said that he loves them as they made him valuable and accepted. Said that I was to blame for the demise of M. I said I take 50% of the responsibility for all the [censored] he put me through I did it for 'better and worse'.
Said he still doesn't trust me and feels that I will become 'abusive' to him again.
said loads of things I shouldn't of, and not the things I should.
Smothy, none of this really matters but I have to share this story.
One time I was interviewing with a high up manager for a prestigious spot. He was a total ball buster in the interview. He kept asking these questions that were designed to make me feel insufficient, defensive, or inadequate.
Now, I am a superstar. I can't say for a fact that there can't possibly be a better qualified candidate, but it was an internal interview and I was far and away the best of everyone else I knew had applied, in fact in a league of my own. Still, he kept trying to undermine my confidence with these bizarre and extreme challenging questions. He might as well have asked "Have you ever climbed mount Everest? Can you hold your breathe 30 minutes?" I mean, they were impossible and irrelevant.
At first it worked, it kind of rattled me...then I realized something- I don't have to be perfect to get the job, I just have to be the best qualified candidate. Because there was no way he had another candidate interviewing that could answer all his questions the way he was implying he wanted them answered. I remember basically telling him that. I didn't say "Hey, I haven't done all that bs, and if you are comparing me to an imaginary candidate that has done all of that then I guess I'm not going to measure up, but if you're going to compare me with other interested applicants that actually applied for this position, I think I'll stack up pretty well and have a lot to offer". Again, I said it without saying it.
Why do I bring this up? Your WAH is right. You have room to grow. You're not perfect. You have probably been unpleasant, controlling, argumentative, and diminishing at times. I can understand his desire for someone that is supportive, accepting, and sexy while we're at it...but here's the thing...as long as he's comparing you to this idealistic notion of what his dream woman would look like you're never going to measure up...BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T EXIST! And while you are doing well to step up your game and become a wife only a fool would leave, you'll never be perfect and nothing you did justifies his behavior.
The idea of comparing your spouse, evaluating them, then firing them if they don't live up to your standards...that's not exactly taught in "being a good spouse 101". So while there is always a grain of truth in the feedback and I'm glad you're willing to filter his spew and look at what YOU feel applies for YOU, don't let it hurt that he's upset you're human. And while you're a flawed human, YOU DIDN'T WALK. That counts for something...like everything. How much good will it do him to find some woman that he believes is perfect, until the honeymoon is over, only for her to BD him 5 years later and list his imperfections and how she deserves better...good luck to him!
Love your progress, even when you feel like you're backsliding your progressing because you wouldn't have known this 6 months ago. Keep going!
PS- I got the *#&(& job
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
