V, I am thinking with you, the body thrives on stress to do what has to be done. It knows when it can relax, and sometimes these are the times we suddenly become ill with the cold we've been pushing off. I think our situations are like this. The body is finally de-stressing deeply and that stress has been holding you pinned together I believe. Flushing toxins. You'll be ok. My IC gave me a chart of what grief often looks like, at first there is a trauma - sharp down. And then there is the honeymoon period, when we are lifted by our communities, the great big swell of support, up and up we go, the courage, the energy...and then it is a long way down when there is nothing new to say and we must just deal with it. Very slowly the ups start coming, two up, one down, three up, 1/2 down, four up, one down, no rhyme or reason. I believe you're probably very good at letting life flow through you and you will process it as quickly as it is possible I think.
Asitis, are you a psychologist? No sarcasm, but you seem to write from a place of practice. Thank you for your helpful words.
Bob, thanks for the prayer. I am in fact doing a bit better.
Today I made a different kind of list. I noticed that in my journaling I was writing to myself, not as myself. A lot of "you." I decided to write a different kind of list, as "I." As in, "I want to be divorced, because..." So much of my mental energy had been on trying to figure out him, why he didn't want to address his stuff, why I wasn't good enough any more...why I should be at peace, blah blah blah.
But first, I had a revelation.
The struggle in trying to make sense of it all has been in trying to understand if he is systematic or if the abuse came from what I am more and more certain is borderline personality disorder. Here is another piece of the puzzle. A while ago V had written about our 'parts' different parts of us...well, I think what I've realized goes beyond normal?
I mapped out his different voices, the usual one - kindly, gentle, inquiring, loving. Him in his most authentic, relaxed and non-threatened state. Mostly would come out around others, me in the beginning.
The full of bravado phone voice used for waitresses, making positive impressions on people, mostly strangers, like Wolf of Wall St. Full of confidence, round, fake laughter.
The voice that was father knows best which really crawled up my skin, he used it with me when talking down to me, or psychoanalyzing, directing the conversation when he thought he was in control and I was too worn out to care any longer. The manipulator couched in the father voice, it was twisty, lots of intelligent sounding things that really made no sense. Or spoke as though he was the only one with a handle on the truth patiently explaining to a little kid.
The creep voice. This was the voice where I think his darkest sides came out, and was also most honest. That family reunion, when he played videos about bipoloar, and other such disorders and I asked him what he was watching, the creep voice said, "I'm just trying to figure out who I am, baby." This was days after he told me to F other men if I wanted to have kids. He never really called me baby ever, either, that stood out. The creep voice also said, "I'm not trying to divorce you Just Yet," back when he blocked phone calls. The creep voice came out while we were waiting for our first MC appointment, and he remarked upon a student I had who had stabbed people, "Z, what do you expect when people don't get the help they need? These things happen." Or when he came home to piece, the creep voice said, after I expressed something, "You know, I was just thinking about a guillotine I could make myself, my little head laying in a little cloth lined basket, wouldn't that be cute?" The eye contact was intense and it was snarling, nasal-y.
The child's voice - it was the one constantly on about needing people, not having needs met. Gentle and sad and helpless. It would most often say, "I don't know. I can't." It was the self defeating voice. Wounded, it would talk about suicide whenever I brought up my needs. Lots of crying.
I heard them all that day in the cafe, over that period we talked. He shifted constantly. I couldn't keep up.
So back to the journal today, why I want to be divorced.
-If he didn't cheat, it wasn't for lack of trying. I have that proof.
-Violence, mental and emotional abuses, whether reactive/systematic, none of it half way normal or how I want to live out my years
-He doesn't want to be here, why do I want to chase someone like this, especially if he doesn't value me? I don't. I am worth so much more.
-He's not interested in change. Told me several times he wasn't interested in looking at anything or reflecting about us. Fine.
-Obviously we don't have the same values or goals.
-What if he is getting counseling and lives his life happily ever after? All I have to do is think about how he actually spent his time in the sessions I attended. Was childlike, non assertive, avoidant and preferred to talk about Yankees. If pressed, went into the "I...don't...know?" Lot of 'uptalk' to his therapist. Therapist never heard father knows best or the creep. Therapist heard the wondering child, sad and clueless.
-There were good times, but it's not my job to rescue the man that gave me the good times. If that man is still in there, he needs to figure his own life out. If he comes back, he can build the bridge and then we can cross it. But, I have to have enough self respect not to lay out the red carpet for him after what he's done.
-Realistically, I want a divorce because trust is destroyed. I would be on pins and needles for months if not years waiting for the other shoe to drop if he were to come back to me - and in all likelihood, it would drop.
I have made a good effort today to sit with reality and my anger over the lies and deceits. I have not given as much thought to if he really wants to be divorced or if he is hurting or blah blah blah.
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
