Sitting and Spinning

[asitis]

Thanks all


When we do meet up to deliver or pick up kids, it is terrible. I can't really look at her in the eye. I try to look right in between her eyes so it's not really eye contact. The level of deception, collaboration and planning to eliminate me, take the kids from me, all of it, is just too much.

My IC tells me I have been emotionally abused for years and I have to face that reality.

I hadn't realized the years of emotional abuse. Do you talk about it anywhere that I can catch up on it? It does make a difference in how we give you advice.

Also, remind me if you've consulted a L on strategy to make sure she can't take the kids from you?

Finally, do you see any evidence that your W has been addressing her issues in therapy or changed her ways?

Hang in there.

[HeavyD]

Maybe I should ask her "Where are we with this divorce?" I know that breaks the DB rule or initiating any kind of R talk. But come on!

What would it hurt?

[asitis]

I'm not sure that would be the best approach. If you are going down that path, there may be a better way. For instance, telling her you are ready to move on & want to move the D forward. Especially if she has been driving everything and you've been the passive one, she could read what your asking is more worrying that she is going to leave you and that she has you right where she expects you to be.

[HeavyD]

Emotional abuse in the fact that has consistently criticized me, put me down, bullied me, and in front of friends etc... For a long time, I thought that was what marriage was about, working through issues. Her mother called me a "simp" years ago. Her aunt alled me a "Saint" for putting up with her. She has the family reputation of being a bossy and domineering person. Of course, now her family is 100% on her side.

A few years ago, I did tell her I would not accept being treated disrespectfully anymore, especially in front of others. She did agree that she was treating me badly and behaved better for a while. Until Bomb drop.

L said no worries about kid issue. 50/50. She can scream about it all she wants.

No counseling, no belief that anything is wrong with her. No empathy, nothing. She has not changed or accepted responsibility.

[asitis]

Emotional abuse in the fact that has consistently criticized me, put me down, bullied me, and in front of friends etc... For a long time, I thought that was what marriage was about, working through issues. Her mother called me a "simp" years ago. Her aunt alled me a "Saint" for putting up with her. She has the family reputation of being a bossy and domineering person. Of course, now her family is 100% on her side.

A few years ago, I did tell her I would not accept being treated disrespectfully anymore, especially in front of others. She did agree that she was treating me badly and behaved better for a while. Until Bomb drop.

L said no worries about kid issue. 50/50. She can scream about it all she wants.

No counseling, no belief that anything is wrong with her. No empathy, nothing. She has not changed or accepted responsibility.

So you are really doing this just for the kids? What is there redeeming about your W otherwise?

I'm not sure, but in your sitch I might push the D myself and if she wants to reconcile, have the list of conditions under which you'd consider it. She may respond to the strong man who shows he won't keep taking her sh*t any longer and is not willing to play her game. You have shown that you have the responsibility, caring, listening, and heart part down pat. You are good H material. But even if that works, will her coming back produce a healthy, sustainable M? What will get you there?

Just thinking aloud.

[HeavyD]

To clarify - we are a same sex couple - lesbian

The abuse was not all of the time - when the times were good, they were really good, 90%, when they were bad, we argued and she put me down, criticized me, etc... 10%.

It just seemed to slowly get worse over the years and of course the B drop the was icing on the cake. The level of entitlement was/is supreme.

I have insisted on her getting therapy but she has refused.
I am in therapy and have been since all of this started. I have learned a lot about myself and why I have allowed myself to be treated this way. It's a great way to get an objctive opinion.

For my whole life, I have wanted a family. I cherised that idea and strove to get it. As a gay couple, it was not an easy thing to do, but we did it. We got married 3 times over the years to meet the various changing laws of the states. And now after all of this, after 20 years, I never loved you bomb drop. I am in love with this other person. Boom.

I filed for Separation, she immediately turned it around to D. So, yes, maybe flipping it to stop the waiting game may be beneficial. I would at least feel like I am in control of the process.

I mean this has gone on almost a year now. Seriously.

[CaliGuy]

Heavy

Seems to me there is a trend here at times. The WAS typically seems to be the peace-keeper and I have noticed a good number of us have been 'to nice' ... conflict avoiders, etc ... for me I was Mr NiceGuy and did not see W and how she treated me as abuse .. I chalked it up to her culture and she was jus t'that way'

Looking back I realized now how bad that was for my M. how she lost all respect for me as a man ... now with your case, as well as Diff.. I still think there is that respect element .. once they lose it for us its really an uphill battle to get it back, first for us to rebuild ourselves and self esteem (which is a whole other topic after an A) but even another hill for them to start respecting the changes we've made stick, for them to trust it .. and finally for them to shake old behaviors and learn to consistently respect us. I have entered this final part with W, I have to kindly and firmly call her on her chit where before during the DB phase I would just place a boundary and if violated I would hang up/walk.

Does look like you are arriving at that point in this where you need to do what is good for Heavy. As Cadet points out, we have the power here but fail to realize it till we do get to this point. Only you know when its time .... when I hit this point I could have pushed and filed but I realized my life would be the same M or not at that point. So I told myself ... stay the course and maybe when/if I met someone and seen potential I would file ... but till then I remained to be M, and lived that way while I worked on myself.

[Vanilla]

HeavyD

WW is in infatuation not love, it will be transitory. There is no way you can insist on IC and MC would be a waste of cash until she is ready to recommit.

Bossiness isn't always abusive, but ranting can be. If WW is a great mom and before this then it's most likely this isn't in her character, it's behavioural, possibly situational. Of course once you establish your boundaries this will escalate as WW will try to establish control again.

Be gentle and firm as this is the nature I see in HeavyD. Your IC sounds truly grounded and directive, really trustworthy.

HeavyD, there is some amazing work going on and you are such a tremendous mom. When WW starts to rant, try the Really! answer and walk away. "You may be right" and "there is something in what you say".

You might also try the swamp with admin strategy. Every text or call to doctors, either forward or note it to her., just marked FYI. Rang docs no reply FYI. Still no reply doctors FYI. Yet again appointment changed FYI. Bought blue sticking plasters FYI. Etc. after you put something on Calendar. New appoint on cal FYI.

My WH complained I wasn't buying the food he liked, so I filled the fridge with white bread, apple juice, the 'right' bacon, scotch eggs and other junk. After a few weeks I was throwing it away but I kept replacing, each time I bought it was more bread FYI etc. After two weeks he told me to stop. Be careful what you wish for WH, you may get it.

Personally, I don't think WW is ready to D, there are signs of distrust with OW. If you want to make OW stuff a boundary you can do so.

It's probably great news there are 19 adults at the party , sounds a great adult kid ratio and there are bound to be some new people to chat with about schools, teachers, books, learning. I would go armed with lots of open questions and go with the flow a little. Bring out the charmer and act as if.

The time will pass quickly in a busy environment too. There will be lots to do and there are always kids to play with, your S will enjoy himself hugely if he is prepared for the party.

It will be fun, time to look great too, hair do, and sassy style. And a glam perfume, smell like a delicious treat. Go GAL with this, breathe, relax, smile and enjoy your children Outshine any scuzzy you can think of, time to show off HeavyDs new attitude. Go be a partner only a fool would leave, glow with joy and love for your kids from deep in your spirit. Let it be.

V

[sandi2]

Seems to me there is a trend here at times. The WAS typically seems to be the peace-keeper and I have noticed a good number of us have been 'to nice' ... conflict avoiders, etc ... for me I was Mr NiceGuy and did not see W and how she treated me as abuse .. I chalked it up to her culture and she was jus t'that way'

I have also noticed that the majority of LBH'S here seem to fit the nice guy description.

[HurtHus]

My coach keeps telling me patience through the dust settling phase is the best predictor of success. As long as the A continues, you are in that phase. When she starts consistently reciprocating and showing interest in friendship, that is a sign that this phase is coming to an end and the friendship phase is beginning. That is the route back. You are seeing signs that you may be approaching the friendship phase.

That's when she has dropped the anger and allowing herself to see you again rather than the story about you she has been projecting on you. Only then can all your hard work to be attractive really start getting her attention and consideration.

I'm potentially going through some of this myself. I have no idea whether the signs I'm getting are really movement. It gets my hopes up even when I tell myself not to. I start having feelings again. Then I find detachment very, very difficult. It feels like I'm back to that exhausting phase before detachment really took hold. I start watching her, focusing on her, and it is tiring and I'm anxious. I try to double down on detachment & GAL, but it is hard. I understand the desire to throw in the towel because I don't want to get my hopes up only to have them crushed again.

All I can say is that you've done all this work, it may be paying some profits, and she is right that if you can maintain a friendly working relationship it will be best for the kids.

All that said, sometimes the reality that you aren't going to wait forever and that they might lose you can trigger a change in them. I'm not advocating a path for you, but I'd at least give it a little time to see if some of these thawing signs continue or turn out to be temporary thing.

Hang in there.

Heavy, so sorry you are going through this. It is amazing how many people are in similar situations.

Asitis, that's golden right there. It is really hard to get back to that friendship stage and even when we get there how do we know it is real progress or if it is just manipulation. How do we recognize the progress and show appreciation without having expectations?