Lost, alone, and in pain

[HurtHus]

This brings to mind something I want to tell you. I understand you are trying to avoid mistakes along the way, and want her to tell you if/when you do something that bothers her. That is okay...as long as you can do the same with her. It's one thing for a woman to tell a man when he does or says something she doesn't like, but can she take the same constructive criticism? Most can't.

In an effort to avoid mistakes, it is possible to form a habit of pretty much dancing to her tune and becoming something that looks very passive. Just make sure she's not laying down all the rules for you, in order to live up to her expectations. I just wanted to warn you about it.

Just for the record, she was the wayward spouse, not you. She is suppose to be meeting your conditions, not the other way around. (It's fine for you to work on the things where you were wrong. As long as she is giving, too). Yes, you probably contributed to the breakdown of the M, but she's the one that has the burden of proof on her shoulders. She's the one who needs to meet your conditions, not the other way around. She's the one who broke the trust and will need to earn it back again. WW's are infamous for getting around this topic and twisting things around to make the H the bad guy.

Just stay balanced in these things.

Sandi, I can't tell you how much I value your insight. Thank you. I'll be sure to bring up the subject of me providing feedback for her as well. We have discussed being able to have conversations a few times each week about what we are doing right and what we can work on and that it will have to go both ways. She has said she is onboard with it. Honestly if I am not being too critical (I tend to be, usually about myself, but also about everyone around me) she has actually been doing a lot of the things I had wanted her to do in terms of communication and reconnecting. We just haven't been doing the whole IC/MC thing, but as the DB coach said it is more important to focus on the goals and the steps taken toward them rather than the vehicle we use to get there.

Point taken though about making sure she is able to take constructive criticism. I found it interesting though that she actually began defending my behavior when I said "You know what, you're right. I realize now that you asked me to let the conversation go and I continued to talk about it." She said, "well, we were just waking up and you were trying to be supportive and sensitive to what I'm going through." I didn't have to be defensive at all. She did it for me after pointing it out. That's got to be a good sign right?

Yeah Huddy, W has also done that a few times. I have managed to just sort of call her out on it calmly and walk away most times. There has been one time that she managed to pull me into a fight last week, but how I handled it really made a difference I think.