Lost, alone, and in pain

[HurtHus]

Really good day yesterday and today. I was a little worried how it would go because my folks came to visit. W said she was a little uncomfortable yesterday and didn't want me to leave to run to the store when she got home. I said okay. After about an hour or two we were getting ready for dinner and we realized we needed salad dressing. I quietly offered to go to the store if she was comfortable. She said she was without any hesitation. We had a nice dinner and hung out with my folks for a while after the kids went to bed. Neither of us could sleep well. This led to a good deal of cuddling and gentle touches on the arms and back. Very affectionate.

This morning we got up slowly and she was being a little playful (smacked my but a few times) while we got ready for a run. She seemed to enjoy being out on the run together. We came home and hung out for a bit then went shopping for clothes and furniture for our deck. We had a really nice lunch while we were out. Lots of laughing and chit-chat. We hung out with my folks until after midnight just sitting around talking and enjoying the new furniture. I know this is just beginning and that we have a LONG road ahead of us, but I can't help but feel hopeful. I am gaining in confidence and I think she is responding.

It's all about baby steps and we have a monumental journey ahead of us, but forward progress is always great. I am planning on reading at least DB before vacation. Hopefully I can have a plan in place to keep things going forward.

[HurtHus]

Another good day today I think. We took our time getting up, hung out on our new deck for a bit with my folks. Ended up just hanging out most of the day. We had some really good authentic laughs a few times and it was nice to just have fun.

We ended up hanging out in the hot tub for a while (her suggestion Sandi!) with a glass of wine. While we were drying off we chit chatted. I took a risk and wanted to do a 180. We are both VERY conflict averse. I asked her what I had done over the last week that disappointed, annoyed, or bothered her. She said "I know you weren't trying to cause a problem, but this morning when you were talking about how I didn't seem uncomfortable around your folks and hoped I would be fine with mine, I asked you to just back off and let it go and you didn't." I validated her and said I understand that must have been frustrating for you. Please in the future make sure you call me out on that right away. I don't mean to push, I am sometimes just trying to make sure you know I appreciate what you are doing and that I understand how you're feeling. She said she knew I was trying to be supportive and appreciated me telling how proud I was of her. Seemed like we both had a chance to put ourselves in the other's shoes.

We talked about a few other things and I took responsibility and ownership of several issues she has expressed we had that I had always just dismissed (I still feel like a dick about this stuff). She said "look we have all made mistakes, none of us are perfect. What is important is that you recognize what happened and have made changes and we can see the effects of the changes."

We went to bed and were talking about when we lived together before the kids and even when we found out we were pregnant. I told I her I really liked while she was pregnant with my kids. She asked why and I tried to explain why I liked it so much and she seemed to really appreciate my response. We joked a little more and she asked me to rub her neck and shoulders for a few minutes.

Don't get your hopes up idiot, but accept the positive and take one day at a time. At least she asked if I would be able to help her in the morning and even said she wanted to go do something with her friends on Tuesday, but would miss being home with me and the kids. I told her we would be fine either way, and I wanted her to be free to go do her thing with her friends.

[HurtHus]

This morning W said she was too tired to go to the gym first thing in the morning. I said I was sorry for keeping her up last night. I joked that I had pointed out it was getting a little late last night. She laughed and said she knew, but it was worth not going to the gym because she had a lot of fun last night.

Here's to hoping things are really taking a turn for the better.

[ep0215]

Sounds like good progress! Keep doing what you are doing!

[HurtHus]

Thanks EP! I wouldn't be making any progress if it weren't for this board and my DB coach. Honestly I think if I had been reading the DB and DR books a year ago and posting here and using my DB coach the A never would have happened.

We talked about how we can't change the past, but just acknowledging the mistakes and making changes is a huge step. She even said especially since she can see how those changes are helping make our family more stable.

We haven't had any true R talks. Last night was closest we have had. I just started by asking her if I had done anything in the last week that she was bothered by and she even sort of said she understood why I had acted that way. I asked her to please make sure in the future that she let me know when I ask too many questions gently but firmly.

W has even begun talking about future vacations and there things we can do to improve our house.

[sandi2]

I just started by asking her if I had done anything in the last week that she was bothered by and she even sort of said she understood why I had acted that way. I asked her to please make sure in the future that she let me know when I ask too many questions gently but firmly.

This brings to mind something I want to tell you. I understand you are trying to avoid mistakes along the way, and want her to tell you if/when you do something that bothers her. That is okay...as long as you can do the same with her. It's one thing for a woman to tell a man when he does or says something she doesn't like, but can she take the same constructive criticism? Most can't.

In an effort to avoid mistakes, it is possible to form a habit of pretty much dancing to her tune and becoming something that looks very passive. Just make sure she's not laying down all the rules for you, in order to live up to her expectations. I just wanted to warn you about it.

Just for the record, she was the wayward spouse, not you. She is suppose to be meeting your conditions, not the other way around. (It's fine for you to work on the things where you were wrong. As long as she is giving, too). Yes, you probably contributed to the breakdown of the M, but she's the one that has the burden of proof on her shoulders. She's the one who needs to meet your conditions, not the other way around. She's the one who broke the trust and will need to earn it back again. WW's are infamous for getting around this topic and twisting things around to make the H the bad guy.

Just stay balanced in these things.

[Huddy]

Yeah, my W can twist things around on a pinhead. Even the most cautious comment can become something terrible. Watch out for the 'blame game' as well. You don't even have to say anything and you'll be in the wrong. TBH, at this point, don't try to point out anything wrong or ask when you're doing things right.

[HurtHus]

This brings to mind something I want to tell you. I understand you are trying to avoid mistakes along the way, and want her to tell you if/when you do something that bothers her. That is okay...as long as you can do the same with her. It's one thing for a woman to tell a man when he does or says something she doesn't like, but can she take the same constructive criticism? Most can't.

In an effort to avoid mistakes, it is possible to form a habit of pretty much dancing to her tune and becoming something that looks very passive. Just make sure she's not laying down all the rules for you, in order to live up to her expectations. I just wanted to warn you about it.

Just for the record, she was the wayward spouse, not you. She is suppose to be meeting your conditions, not the other way around. (It's fine for you to work on the things where you were wrong. As long as she is giving, too). Yes, you probably contributed to the breakdown of the M, but she's the one that has the burden of proof on her shoulders. She's the one who needs to meet your conditions, not the other way around. She's the one who broke the trust and will need to earn it back again. WW's are infamous for getting around this topic and twisting things around to make the H the bad guy.

Just stay balanced in these things.

Sandi, I can't tell you how much I value your insight. Thank you. I'll be sure to bring up the subject of me providing feedback for her as well. We have discussed being able to have conversations a few times each week about what we are doing right and what we can work on and that it will have to go both ways. She has said she is onboard with it. Honestly if I am not being too critical (I tend to be, usually about myself, but also about everyone around me) she has actually been doing a lot of the things I had wanted her to do in terms of communication and reconnecting. We just haven't been doing the whole IC/MC thing, but as the DB coach said it is more important to focus on the goals and the steps taken toward them rather than the vehicle we use to get there.

Point taken though about making sure she is able to take constructive criticism. I found it interesting though that she actually began defending my behavior when I said "You know what, you're right. I realize now that you asked me to let the conversation go and I continued to talk about it." She said, "well, we were just waking up and you were trying to be supportive and sensitive to what I'm going through." I didn't have to be defensive at all. She did it for me after pointing it out. That's got to be a good sign right?

Yeah Huddy, W has also done that a few times. I have managed to just sort of call her out on it calmly and walk away most times. There has been one time that she managed to pull me into a fight last week, but how I handled it really made a difference I think.

[sandi2]

she has actually been doing a lot of the things I had wanted her to do in terms of communication and reconnecting.

Well, that's a good step and, hopefully, will prompt her to want the MC. I believe a good MC is needed to guide the piecing. However, the MC may want to go into areas the W doesn't want to do.

One day at a time.

[HurtHus]

Well, that's a good step and, hopefully, will prompt her to want the MC. I believe a good MC is needed to guide the piecing. However, the MC may want to go into areas the W doesn't want to do.

One day at a time.

We are talking to the DB coach together. I have another 6 sessions and asked W to think about if she wants to take a session with him alone before we get back on the phone together. I guess I shouldn't say we aren't working with an MC since the DB coach is an MC.

We have gone into a few areas that W wasn't really comfortable with specifically the A and how she needs to overcome that damage. I wish I could take it even a day at a time. I'm minute by minute. I don't even want to think about our vacation at the end of the month other than what I'm going to do with the kids. I hope we have some really good times together in such a beautiful place, but I have no expectations.