The recurring comment and frustration from her seems to be, "It shouldn't have to take a woman leaving to spur a husband to finally wake up and love his wife. He should have been doing it all along. It is insulting if he only wants to change after he is afraid of losing her. It is for the wrong reasons, too little to late"
What was your response? If you take nothing else away from these forums and from DR, take this away- ALWAYS VALIDATE. "You feel like you tried to get my attention and that I wasn't listening, that must have been very frustrating. In fact you called it insulting, and I agree that it was. I'm very sorry for making you feel that way." What does the above tell her? That even though you weren't listening before, you ARE listening NOW. You have CHANGED. Of course initially it will make no difference, but if you keep it up she will eventually start thinking "wow he understands my feelings and he listens to me, he really has changed!"
Incidentally, she is 100% correct. We guys put our marriages on autopilot. They do try to get our attention when they feel neglected, but like asitis pointing out, it feels like "nagging" to us and that makes us shut down which just exacerbates the problem.
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Just like Michelle says in DR, she doesn't understand why so many women feel this way and aren't thrilled that their husband is finally becomming everthing they want.
The WAS sees it as "too little too late." You can't fix years of neglect with a few weeks of attention.
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Other than saying, "I understand how you feel that way, it must be frustrating to think I only got what you were telling me after all your attempts, AFTER you said you were done".
That's a pretty good validation statement, strive for statements like that
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I sometimes have trouble keeping balance standing on the shifting sands of her moods and arguments.
Then get off her sands. That is for HER to work through, not you. You work on YOU.
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For example, while the common theme is all the things I didn't do in our marriage ("name one thing you did to show you loved me", she brings up strange things she never mentioned before; "I never enjoyed going out with that couple.
Ugh, you're still in "guy mode". You want to explain/ reason/ justify/ etc. Just VALIDATE. "Name one thing you did to show you loved me!" Response- "It sounds like you felt neglected and hurt because I never showed you that I loved you and I am very sorry I made you feel that way." Keep thinking in these terms until you get it. You're not admitting guilt, you are acknowledging her feelings. Because no matter how accurate or inaccurate her statements are, they are a reflection of what she is feeling RIGHT NOW and it is your job to VALIDATE her feelings.
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I suppose this falls under rewriting history because I want to say, "but I thought those WERE the things you wanted to do" and "why didn't you metion anything in 10 years until now?".
Right, but that wouldn't be validation, would it? Yes the WAS rewrites history. Yes they will say things that you know aren't true. This is why Sandi's rules say not to get out that photo album and try to show them how much fun you had, because they will say they faked it the whole time. But you can't argue, because in their messed-up mental state they BELIEVE what they are saying. They BELIEVE their re-written history. So when you argue they hear you calling them a liar. But when you validate, it diffuses the tension quickly.
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So for now I just try to validate this is the way she feels.
Good, but not "for now", that should be "forever".
