Your first post in this thread is a great one, sounds like you have some excellent goals in mind! Staying the course can be very difficult at times, if you're not doing it already keep notes similar to that post so you can reference your goals to keep yourself on track. And keep those notes in a safe, secure spot away from your H. I kept mine on my phone.
Originally Posted By: 4mykid
He does not know that I need to work I will message him around 9 and let him know he needs to be home by 930 as to not sound pursuing.
WOAH hang on a sec! 2x4 time- you really messed up on this one. Based on your later post it sounds like you know that already, but you cannot expect him to read your mind or drop everything with 30 minutes notice to rush home so you can meet a commitment that he knew nothing about. You shouldn't even do that in a healthy marriage (unless it's an emergency), much less one that is on the rocks. WAS's feel disrespected, and moves like that just reinforce to them that they are "right" in wanting out. LBS's often get advice to go dark, be unavailable, cut all contact, etc. etc. But even in DR it says when kids are involved you can't fully do this. You've got to maintain enough contact to coordinate schedules when it comes to the kids. Next time, give him as much notice as you possibly can. In Covey's "Seven Habits of Highly Effective People" book, he says an "agreement" is an "offer" and an "acceptance". This is so brilliant in it's simplicity! It applies not just to business but to personal matters as well. You did not have buy-in from your H on babysitting so you could go to work, there was no agreement in place. If you want him to babysit then you need to ASK him, not TELL him. Ask him, then ask him if that works OK for him. If he agrees, THEN you have an agreement and THEN you have every right to be mad if he breaches that agreement. But in the case you described above you have no right to be angry at him because you had no agreement with him and in fact he knew nothing about it.
Whenever you have kids you have to alter DB'ing to adjust for that. It's important to keep in contact to coordinate all of the "kid stuff" like who takes them to get shoes, school clothes, school supplies, take them to the dentist, doctor, etc. There are a million little convos that have to take place and S and even D do not stop them. In fact Michele says in DB that when kids are involved there's no such thing as D. It's true, you are forever linked as I have very well learned myself in my D. When we're in a healthy M we tend to take advantage of our spouse, we expect them to do things on short notice that may disrupt their schedule. But in a broken marriage you can't assume anything. Plan things out as much in advance as possible and coordinate things with the WAS with as much advance notice as possible. Strive to show them respect for their time and schedule. They won't always respect yours, but this is what DB'ing is all about- YOU have to be the better spouse, the better person.
