Answer to: "why didn't you hear it from ME?"

[asitis]

I sometimes have trouble keeping balance standing on the shifting sands of her moods and arguments. I am getting a handle on one thing and then she is throwing me off balance with another. For example, while the common theme is all the things I didn't do in our marriage ("name one thing you did to show you loved me", she brings up strange things she never mentioned before; "I never enjoyed going out with that couple. It made me uncomfortable", "I always faked having fun doing X", "We always did what you wanted to do, why didn't you do what I wanted to do?"

I suppose this falls under rewriting history because I want to say, "but I thought those WERE the things you wanted to do" and "why didn't you metion anything in 10 years until now?". But I see this as maybe an exaggerated view and grasping at anything to fit the picture of how bad the marriage was on every level. I feel I kept asking and trying to do everything I could and it was never enough. I have learned not to defend myself because I can't with this. "But I cooked the food you loved!" "Yes, but you would only eat a few spoonfuls of it". "Ok, how about me going to dinner with YOUR friends?", "Yes, but I couldn't enjoy it because I had to wonder the whole time if you were having fun or not". So for now I just try to validate this is the way she feels.

Yes, there is a lot of re-writing, and you will be re-writing it best by just listening and validating. Why do I say that is re-writing? Under all that, there is a pain that she didn't feel seen, heard, or loved. You are changing that by showing that you did see, hear, and love her all along by showing that you will do it now. That's what matters. It is the thing that heals that hurt. As that heals, doors can open.

On the keeping balance in the moods, this is one of the biggest reasons for detachment. Nobody said it was going to be easy, but keep at it and it will get easier. There will always be times where they seem to just unload a lot of spew on you. Take this as a good sign. They are processing their pain at least in their own strange way, and asking desperately to be heard and really seen. So many WAW never do this. They truly are done or so wrapped up in their new As or MLC that they mask the pain instead of dealing with it. As hard as these are to go through, they are your opportunity to help the woman you love heal their hurt, and if she comes to see this in you, that goes a long, long way to healing the R.