Zelda - Baby One More Time

[asitis]

Wow V, you really are having a rough (rough doesn't seem to cut it) time.

Parts of the brain get wired in ways that make normal experiences of pleasure, ability to connect & relate to others, and trust difficult. And we know that there is a intimate link to the rest of the body now. So (& I suspect w/ your therapy you know this, but it might help Z & others to bring it up), your experiences are unfortunately not uncommon w/ severe trauma from abuse.

Have you read The Body Keeps Score by van der Kolk? One of the more common treatments for PTSD, especially abuse victims, has been yoga. I know it sounds strange, but its technique of focusing deeply on different parts of the body through movement has been shown to be very helpful in many cases.

Back to Z, I want to underscore both her warning about the draw of returning, the need for all the help you can surround yourself with, & that you are a minority & need to appreciate that you therefore need to not see yourself as bad or responsible but as strong and courageous for this accomplishment in the midst of an abusive situation. In abusive relationships there is a kind of brain washing that goes on. It really does rewire your brain in order to allow the abuse relationship continue. This is one of the big differences between relationships where there is mild and occasional abusive behavior and a really abusive relationship. There are all sorts of behaviors that abusers get really good at deploying to allow them to continue their abuse with their victim. Since you've read V's great abuse thread, you are seeing the range of behaviors that are deployed. They aren't just changing your behavior, they are changing your brain wiring.

Now, before you panic that your are permanently screwed up because of this, the brain is incredibly plastic and can be rewired in healthy ways. Good therapy helps. Meditation & mindfulness training can help (I still think without some of the psychological insights of Buddhism they are missing their full impact, but even the secular versions that have been derived from Buddhism still are good). Yoga and other body movement therapy can help.

Keep strong.