Long story short: married 2 years, in the relationship for 6 years, we met in college, we are both 29.
Have lived together for almost 5 of those years, have had issues for a while now, boils down to me not finding my path in life in terms of career and being unhappy in general a lot of the times, my wife being very insecure, needy, and emotionally reactive is the best way to sum it up.
We moved to another country 2 years ago after I found a job abroad, she followed me but had resentment for me moving her.
I told her recently of some things in my past i never shared with her or anyone - having had some bisexual affairs about 3 years before we met, not sex but I do consider myself partly bisexual, i never shared this because I was confused and also fearful as many men are about this type of thing.
This broke the camel's back, and she immediately wanted to leave me, cheated on me with a friend from school who was her EA when i was distant.
I did everything I could to win her back, and did after a week, but fell into the same patterns as we didn't work on our issues, and also I downplayed the bisexual thing.
Fast forward to two weeks ago I again came clean to her that I do consider myself kind of bisexual, this led to her separating from me financially, and I moved out to a friend's house, i now realise this was a mistake.
We are setting up a new flat together now which we rent out, and I have been pretty homeless sleeping at the flat and friend's places.
I can see that at many points she is confused about wanting to split up, angry, cant trust me, says she wants some time and space, then says we will never get back together, etc.
I have read the DM book, and trying to utilise some things like LRT - not initiating contact, trying to avoid R talks whenever possible, GAL (hardest for me as I recently quit my job to transition my career to something to do with my real passion) and working on myself by getting back to my meditation practice and yoga.
I am however very torn. Since our lives are so co-dependent, I feel like I am sticking around this city for her, and whenever I see that she actually wants to see other people (she said she wants this break to be like a breakup, very confused), I feel torn inside.
I get very angry, cant sleep, feel like [censored] a lot of the time.
Now I am completely unsure what to do - classically she sees ALL negatives, says I've not been there for her for 6 years, and this is complete non-sense as she is so needy and clingy that I've been there for her more times than I can remember.
When I get very angry I feel like she is stringing me along, that I should just tell her I want a divorce and move on with my life, that she is cheating on me, wanting to be with others while maintaining me on the side, etc.
I try to hold myself back from lashing out at her in times of anger but at times like this when I am feeling like she's just stringing me along I feel horrible.
I've read a lot on this forum and its very helpful, but I just sometimes feel that by not sharing any of my thoughts and feelings with her and just letting her vent I am just building up more and more resentment and anger inside me.
Me: 29, wife: 29 Been together 6 years. Married June 13 (2years) Separation: 22/6/15 W stopped wearing wedding ring 30/6/15
One additional note: The part I find most excruciating (except feeling left behind, cheated and unheard) is eating up all the bullshit about how its all me, and how she can't see or fathom how her clinginess and insecurity have also helped get us to where we are now.
Yes, there are many aspects of myself I am not proud of that I find during this process, but in addition I can also see that she is completely missing any aspects of herself that contributed to where we are now, its just so difficult not to say anything.
Me: 29, wife: 29 Been together 6 years. Married June 13 (2years) Separation: 22/6/15 W stopped wearing wedding ring 30/6/15
I'm so sorry you are going through this. We all have stuff that we are not proud of. You are a good person for pressing through all that you have been through, and for trying to work on your marriage.
Something a lot of the members of our community say, as well as Michele herself, is not to take to heart the words your spouse is saying during this time.
Since your wife has her own focus and determination, her own version of the what has gone on, trying to persuade her otherwise is going to be counterproductive. (What you resist, persists.)
Right now, focus on being your best self and doing things that make you happy. (What you focus on expands.)
We are here to support you, and help you brainstorm solutions for your marriage.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
I'm feeling so angry mostly because I feel transparent, not being seen, and in this limbo state is driving me nuts.
I've decided to go away for about 4 weeks once we finish this flat we are working on, to volunteer in a meditation centre, relax, detach, and center myself because it is just impossible for me to stay so near right now without constantly hurting..
Me: 29, wife: 29 Been together 6 years. Married June 13 (2years) Separation: 22/6/15 W stopped wearing wedding ring 30/6/15
Spoke to her today after night of almost no sleep and total anger and desperation.
Again showed her same manipulative and angry, untrustworthy patterns she is breaking away from me for. Felt very guilty. Trying to break away from all these slip-ups and not let them get me down, finish up with this apartment this week and then go away for a few weeks - going to volunteer at a meditation retreat which will definitely help cool me down and give us both some much needed space.
Me: 29, wife: 29 Been together 6 years. Married June 13 (2years) Separation: 22/6/15 W stopped wearing wedding ring 30/6/15
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
At least the hardest part is done. Looking in the mirror and identifying what you need to change for you (manipulative, untrustworthy, and angry). Focus on changing those. Going away to center yourself sounds like a great idea. Focus on how you can change you.
M: 36 yo W: 36 yo S: 7 D: 4 M: 13 yrs BD: 6/14 (??) PE Confirmed 7/15 (4 months) The road to recovery starts now
Hello Ohgosh, It has taken me months to realize that the BS is not about me. The hurtful things said during the first 3 months after BD shocked me and at first I alternated between being devastated and believing them, to arguing in my defense, to just flat out lying on the floor of my bedroom closet sobbing my heart out from the hurt of it all. But as time passes you will come to realize that some of the words have some truth to them, and some of the words are just crazy talk, and ALL of them have more to do with what is going on inside of your W's head than about you.
That is where detachment comes in. Which has been the hardest part for me. It sounds like you are making some positive choices with keeping yourself busy. Stay busy, work on yourself, don't take things personally. Keep posting, we get it.
My biggest fear is that I blew it,that she will find someone else during this time and my chance to be with the woman I love and committed to is gone. a lot of the issues were my fault, though I can also see how the dynamics between our stuff brought these about.
Me: 29, wife: 29 Been together 6 years. Married June 13 (2years) Separation: 22/6/15 W stopped wearing wedding ring 30/6/15
Had an interesting time with her. She lashed out at me in anger about all things in the past between us, me hiding part of my sexuality which is what broke it all and more. Seems it causes her so much insecurity that she cannot live with it.
I listened, tried not to try and change her mind too much, however some sharing did help her understand me. We cried together.
She kissed me aggressively and bit me, said hurtful things then regretted them.
She then hugged me, said 'I need us to break up, ok? " then kissed me passionately, and said sorry, I don't want to give you the wrong impression.
I said OK , fought myself and won from convincing her otherwise.
Then she texted me to say sorry. I said I forgive.
I love her so much, it pains me to see she cannot accept me as I am as her partner.
Felt happy and accomplished afterwards and then deep sadness seeped in, cried a bit. I'm lost, maybe I need to give her up for her sake, maybe she cannot be happy with me and I'm being self centred. I just love her so much.
Me: 29, wife: 29 Been together 6 years. Married June 13 (2years) Separation: 22/6/15 W stopped wearing wedding ring 30/6/15
