hold on! - 11

[sandi2]

I meant to say you are not really separated, under the same roof. It causes a lot of stress and problems.

[u-turn]

Thanks eyetie - it took me a long time to stop doing things for her. But she still gets the advantage of things getting done by me. She knows that I don't do anything specifically for her - dinner happens whether she's there or not (as it should) if she shows up, she can eat - I can't really stop her (and don't want the kids to see me telling her that she can't eat the food or eat with us). It is always her reaction to not eat with us or storm off during dinner.

It sounds like you have a good handle on that though - thanks for checking in.

[u-turn]

Yeah sandi - I figured you meant that.

I can attest that this is true - in-house separation has lots of problems and constant stress. I would say in my situation that it did not work and maybe there would be more of a chance if we had a physical separation early on - maybe.

I think the lack of ability to escape the situation and lovingly detach are the biggest challenges. It has turned me cold and resentful - I am trying to work through this.

I believe it is why I am at the point that I am - filing. and she is at the point she is at - cycling daily between viscous spew to ignoring the spew and nicing her way around matter.

I really appreciate you checking in.
Thanks

[u-turn]

Thank you so much Jelly - that may be the nicest thing that anyone's said about me.

I am sorry that the story that I tell brings out bad thoughts about yourself, but I feel, and I apologize if this sounds negative, at least you are able to recognize this and will do something about it. I do think your analysis of my situation might be right and I have felt many times with this one included that she acts like an adolescent.

I know that I may be sensitive to this, but she is on her over the top nice swing now - which negates the spew from the other day - it happens every single time. This may sound like I'm nit-picky, but when she was talking to our neighbor, she called me her husband and it actually made me cringe - and I (inadvertently?) made a loud throat clearing sound - probably juvenile on my part.

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I am enjoying cycling so much - it has really helped me clear my mind, get into shape, sleep, make me look better in those jeans, I can say that I actually have a hobby - which I haven't really been able to before. (went 40 miles - 64 k in about 2 1/4 hours today - I was pretty wobbly after that, but have been out every day this week. tomorrow I will rest as school starts). I reached two of my destination goals today.

I haven't named my bike, and but likely she is not very happy with me because she is still covered in caked on mud from a week ago. She seemed to take her frustrations out on me today with some faulty shifting.

I hope your weekend was good too - I survived mine without much incident.

[u-turn]

I haven't served yet but actually the delivery itself is less than important. The content is more important together with space, can you get the kids away for a couple of days around the service

Make things easier in house. WW is in spew mode, and frankly the knob may up to rant mode. You are taking away her cake and it may anger her. A few days peace for your children, perhaps texts. That isn't being cowardly or not having brass ones, it's common sense and protective. Leaving you to handle WW without concerns for the children.

If WW spews at the table in front of the kids, "I can see why you might think that" then "please pass the peas". She is trying to bait you into "I told you so". If so "I hear you WW, and we can discuss this later".

Thanks V
I guess the question is - if it would behoove me to warn her of the impending delivery - not too early of course, but a couple days before. Or will that just give opportunity for more drama. I am unsure of this.

I think that I will not know exactly when the delivery will happen. Once the paperwork is delivered to the county by L, it is checked in, bounced around a couple departments and then scheduled for serving. It could be a week or as much as two weeks.

I agree that the kids being out of the house would be a good idea, school will be in session, so the would need to be able to get there.

When it is delivered to the house, likely I will be home first and see it on our door. I would assume by law that I cannot hold on to it and give it to her later.

Thanks for the dinner table tips - makes sense.

[JellyB]

Hey U,

Look I'm not worried about seeing myself in your wife's behaviours. That is why I am here, to learn how to do things differently. Like your wife, I did the nice, loving approachable partner after having an emotional spew. My "nice" response was often two fold, one was I felt infinitely better at releasing my pent up emotion (often days and days of leand up, the pressure valve would be off, my anxiety released) and lots guilt at having treated my partner so poorly and having behaved outside my values.

And no you don't sound nit-picky. It is always difficult to see the lack of congruence between how things are at home, and how out partners behaviour in front of others. My ex is seen by the whole community we lived as mr nice guy, mr amazing -look at what he has overcome (his parapeligia - being in a wheelchair). IF only they knew he ended our relationship because I had a mental health breakdown.


Glad to hear that the weekend went by with little incident.

Im feeling sad for you and kids that the summer break is over!

..........................................

Yes I am not surprised that she has spat the dummy at you ( I mean your bike not your wife). They like a little love after doing a days work. Your average speed is very good for riding a donkey. God what you could do on something with some carbon on it!!! Keeping going with this hobbie. Any events in your local area you could do?

You are doing amazingly well U-Turn!

Your buddy JellyB XXX

[JellyB]

Hey U, just letting you know I was thinking about you. Hope all is good in the hood! Jellyb XXX

[u-turn]

Hi Jelly - thanks for checking in. I have been a little reluctant to post because I am feeling pretty anxious and I don't want to come off as whiny over little things while there is so much pain on these boards.

Overall I am staying very busy with the start of another school year and I am focused which pleases me. My business is functioning alright too with a little new work coming in and I have a good amount of invoices out - so money should be coming in soon. This is good because money is getting pretty tight.

The kids are generally happy and S17 is actually enthusiastic about the start of school which is really out of character for him.

So what am I anxious about? - WW is back to her super mom persona and seems to really be trying to push me out. I have gotten so accustomed to doing everything, for her to jump in and start taking over is getting to me - though it has only been a week of this and I don't think she can keep it up.

She is back to her over the top niceness with them, and calling them pet names. She's almost treating them like they are little children. She gets up and rushes into the kitchen to pack their lunches (even though I have been making their lunches every day for years) and then tells them that she did this. I am mad at myself for feeling this way because I should be grateful. We should be working together at this and the kids deserve this, but for some reason it is hurtful to me.

The pet names - she's never done this before or at least since they were little, why now. It seems so strange, and every time I hear it, I really have to hold in my sarcastic remarks - and this makes me mad at myself because the kids deserve both of our love.

The problem is, I am serving with her D papers which should be coming in 2 weeks or so, and she seems to be trying to come back, not to me but to the family.

I am still proceeding, but this does give me a chance to second guess myself - but my resentment isn't allowing me to do that - I don't know if this makes sense.

I am anxious and impatient because my L is taking a lot longer than he said he would be. I am the type of person that plans something for a very very long time and am very thorough with going through possible solutions and issues, but once I have decided I am ready, I want things to move quickly - but it's out of my control.

I am feeling a little twisted apart by all of this - it seems like she may want to change, but yet nothing has changed.
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by the way you made me laugh - I've cleaned the donkey and she has been nicer to me(had to look up the phrase spat the dummy ). I usually consider the mud as a badge of honor - the more mud there is the more fun I had.

I look forward to the weekend so I can go for a good long ride again.

Thanks JellyB

[JellyB]

Hi U,

I am guessing that the anxiety is likely a mix of a lot of things, the impending serving probably being a priority for the mind and heart. The mind attempting to anticipate every possible outcome. Your Wife's current supermom behaviour is likely to be unnerving you further still. I am not sure what has prompted your wife to take up these new actions, potentially she has picked up something in you, the environment and she feels something is different. As we know they adapt to the smallest of changes, even if they are unknown.

While you haven't said , I am sure that you are worried about your children and how your wife's behaviour will be impacting on them.

I hope a vet stops by to provide you with more solid support and guidance than I can offer.

With regard to your response, it sounds like a human one to me. I can see why you would be feeling anxious, angry, resentful about it. None of us like feeling usurped by someone who's behaviour who have little respect for, whose integrity we question. Don't beat yourself up for being human. Remember too that you have spent a long time keeping the home stable and secure for your children. We can all only keep it together for so long.

Be kind to yourself U, have patience with yourself, you have been through so much.

I am here, your friend, wishing you much love and comfort.

JellyB XXX

[Vanilla]

U

I think Jelly has it 100% correct, this is out of the blue and the other aspects haven't changed then WW knows you have shifted so she is clearing her road to reestablish the patterns she likes and establishing her mom territority.. That isn't happening so watch the extra hard trying, being very industrious. When it occurs to her it's not working then there may be another spell breaker, she may go acid on you or uber nice and sweet. Drama perhaps, prepare for it and be delighted if it's not.

Only time will tell if she can keep being "supermom". Let her get it on, it won't hurt, what is a few sandwiches between friends? Smile, observe and reward her. Time to validate, you want this for your kids, even if it is slightly irritating and too little too late.

The giving pet names is actually depersonalising and distancing, not an affection tactic. It's self protection by WW for becoming hurt. When we want someone to draw near we use their name, it's them we talk to and interact with.

Be amused and observe "supermom" in action she is going to have to do these things after you D if the kids go visit. See it as a practice run and let the kids have their own R with their mum. Just move out of the way and be there for them. Just note the tactic in a diary.

Oh and if you can't let off steam here where can you let off steam? Heck this is a hang it out to dry phase.

V