Abuse is tough and especially if you are still addicted. Very difficult to break free. Every day is a struggle to just get up and go, some days are better than others.this whole thing has aged me, I am tired. I struggle to pay the bills, credit cards, debts, I am really having a rough time. I eat far too much, exercise too little and work too much. I am losing my hair and sleep is better. I had boils and sores. My body is unhappy and my soul is hurt. It is worse than before we S, much worse and I have no idea why.
I will not give in, nor let this awfulness destroy me. These sitches need extra help, everything you can throw at it. It makes no sense alternating between beating yourself up and then wanting to scream with it. But I accept that is how it is.
Know this there is nothing wrong with you, you didn't deserve this, you didn't select it, you were targeted by an abuser.
You got free, that is not the norm, my abuse counsellor told me only the minority of abused women break free of their own accord. Many get hoovered back in again. Already you are beating the odds. I will not go back to that abusive sitch, no matter what. I played my MP3 yesterday, just to remind me.
There are days I can get on and days I just get by. Today was one of those days. No reason just was.
I am sure you understand the dynamic, and truly targets need ICs who understand the abuse dynamic. That made a big difference, plus the Freedom Program. My Gamanon also makes a difference too.
I think a change of IC may assist you and a group which assists targets may also help too. Z this is part of the process, sometimes I feel like an alien in this world, like I no longer fit any more. Invisible. It's just thoughts and it goes again.
The abuse was severe and PTSI doesn't do it justice that defines a single trauma whereas this is continual cycling. Trauma requires deep healing. It will heal. I refuse to be disordered with it.
We say it all the time, detach, detach, detach. It will ease, of course it will, in time, it will take time. Take extraordinary care of your health.
Peace, kindness and love to you
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
