Help for LBH who has a WW (new thread)

[asitis]

Sandi,

I am going to say (usual song) there is a difference between the WW and the WAW. I really believe core DB is best with the latter, the WAW has needs not satisfied in the R and the strategy is going to be very different than that with a WW.

V

I still have my daily votive so peace to you, your H and D.

I was reading through this latest in a great series thanks to Sandi2.

I'm curious V (& Sandi of course, as you always have great insights), where you think the difference is in how to act w/ a WAW vs. a WW. In my limited experience w/ my W & seeing others here, there is a great deal of similarity, at least until there is significant movement back to the R.

There is a lot of anger, coldness, being done, pushing away, wanting nothing but to be away from the M and the H. Our super H game drives them away hard, and they lose a good deal of respect, and all this baffles the crap out of the poor LBH as he feels he can't win. I'm doing what you said, and the more I do the further away you pull. Anyway, we all know the story well enough.

Where I can see a difference is that H has to keep showing that he will be trustworthy to attend to at least many of those complaints if the WAW reconsiders. You can't go back to being a slob, then she knows it was just an act to get her back and you lose all credibility.

The key, at least the way I see it, is that you have to start deciding that you want to be fully engaged in your own household no matter where it is. It will not draw her back, but she sees that she can't trust your changes to last in this area, then she's going to doubt any other change. In a sense you drop trying to be super H and just act like a damn grown up. Become a better dad (that's attractive & good for everyone). Take care of wherever you are living. As a result of going through the Good Housekeeping campaign is that I came to appreciate a clean house much more. I no longer want to live with relying on someone else to keep tabs on when things have reached a level they can't tolerate then start handing out chores. I want to be responsible for making that decision and taking steps myself.

The other difference is that when there is clear & sustained signs of moving back, the process changes. There is a loss of trust in both situations, but it is nowhere near the same. And in the case of a WAW, you aren't dealing with the addiction and withdrawal from the OM. Not sure that wariness to changing the game plan changes for either LBH, but it the process would seem to be less littered with land mines.

Thoughts?