Heavy, can I also recommend Brene Brown. Her stuff may be really helpful. She has books, but you could start with her two TED talks. They deal with themes like shame, vulnerability and am I enough?
Take care xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Saturday Morning W drops off kids. We meet in driveway. I don't want her comning into the house for a variety of reasons. So I parked car in the driveway blocking her from parking on the driveway. I am packing the car as we are meeting friends at the beach.
She shows up, gets the kids out and I say hi, kiss the kids and continue packing the car. She asks "Can we look at the schedule for next week" Next week I am taking off and have lots of medical appointments scheduled for kids as they are getting ready for school.
I said "This is not a great time, I'm packing the car and trying to get ready to go, could we do it at another time?". I continued packing the car, our S came into the house to get some stuff, our D played in the garage. I came into the house to get more stuff.
She took that that I was being hateful and left her and D6 in the yard. When I came back out, she said "What are you doing with the kids next week, you have to tell me, it's the law and I want to know where my kids are!"
I said it's on the calendar, I took the week off and there are a few doctor appointments that we talked about and I got scheduled." I have it taken care of.
She loses it and starts yelling. "You don't tell me when the kids have appointments, you withold information and I will be at the Doctors appointents too!
I replied "I said I have got it taken care of, this is my week with kids, I am capable of taking them to the doctor."
W - "You dont know what to tell the Doctors and I can't rely on you to tell me what is going on, I have to ask the kids for the info!" This is for an orthotic boot for our S and a routine dental appointment.
So it ended badly. She was angry that I wasn't putting appointments on the calendar. I agree that doctor appointments should be put on the calendar. However one of the appointments had just been made on Friday. I spent the entire week trying to make an appointment with this doctor. I sent W before I made any appointments, "Hey, any objections if I try to get S9 into this occupational therpy clinic? She said no, great. So I proceeded and got the appointment. The other appointment, was a phone glitch. I "accepted" the apointment but it didn't make it back to her. Not my fault.
Anyway, she sent me an email while we were at the beach. She berated me for being rude, hateful and hostile and angry at her in front of the kids. She berated me for not looking her in the eyes. I didn't respond or defend myself. I just said I am sorry you are feeling frustrated but I'm doing the best that I can and you have to trust that.
Also - she scheduled S9 birthday party for Saturday. Typically we invivte on 3-4 people. She invited his entire class - 24 kids and now I see 12 adults are coming as well. We never discussed this and I can't pay for 24 kids and 19 adults. She sent the evite, listed me as a co-host but had her email listed for RSVP. She is made that I did not RSVP. Really, Do I have have RSPV for my S9's birthday party? I have no idea who the 19 adults are and why are 19 adults coming to a 10 year old birthday party? My guess is that most of these are kids parents but I don't know. The next day is supposed to be just the 4 of us for a cake decorating activity. I don't know if I can even do that. It will be so toxic. Of course, this is not about me but about the kids, I will do everything in my power to make it a happy event for them, but it feels like she comes at me, pushing my buttons and trying to get me to react. I won't do that. Then she gets mad that I won't respond or look at her. I can't win.
Anyway, a terrible interaction, no trust on her part for me to handle kids appointments, she insists on coming to appointments (this is my week) and berating me for not listing everything on the calendar which all were except 2.
In my mind, I think she should say thank you for taking time to arrange the schedule and get the kids ready for school medical wise and for taking a week to make and schedule these appointments. But what I get is crap dumped on me for not sharing the information.
Again, I feel ordered around, no matter what I do it is WRONG. Not the right doctor, not the right day, not the right scheduling, everthing WRONG. I said look, this is more complicated by or situation and that's sad but reality. It's twice as hard. She replied "It doesn't have to be this way, our divorce should not impact our kids like this". I didn't say anything but listened.
Now what the heck do I do? If I respond to her, it is more spew, if I don't it is I am ignoring her. She is still so ANGRY with me all the time. I frankly can't deal anymore with this.
And the touch & go can be useful to your DBing. If she checks in and you aren't right where she left you?
Friendly. "Thanks for the pics. Glad you & the kids are having fun. Tell them I miss them."
You are doing very well. Even if this is a start of her moving back toward you, you don't change the game plan. You are looking for patterns of behavior remember, not just this. And being away from you is likely to cause her to miss you, but that doesn't mean that will last once she is back in her regular life. It can be partly that she is not entirely secure being away from home and regularity, and that you are part of that. Once the other securities are back in place, the missing dissipates. The good news is that the potential to miss you is there. You know that now. It isn't just a fantasy. Whether or not that resurfaces in a way you can work with remains to be seen, but you know it is there. It was always there. There is hope, but for now, nothing is different yet, and nothing may come of it. But you are doing really, really well.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
Yeah Heavy, you're doing great. You are the calm one, the lighthouse, and it probably pisses her off to know this, even if it's only on a subconscious level. She has this whole new external life, but no doubt her inner life is in complete turmoil. Yours isn't - it's not turmoil we're in, I don't think. It's sadness and grief, but we're the grounded ones. She wants that, but not you... so she says, so she thinks. I could be projecting a bit from my own experience these past few weeks, watching my WW and seeing the conflict and pain in her face, even as she resolutely insists she has moved on. But you're doing all you can do, and not doing all you shouldn't. Good for you, and thanks again, for being such a great model for me.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
I don't think I am anyones model. I feel a mess. I feel like I am always in a battle about something with W. The only thing I can do is not respond to her anymore. I can't participate in the drama. Its draining and soul sucking and I am tired.
It is true, I can't look at her in the eyes anymore. The girl I knew is gone, so far gone. I have accepted that. Still she punches and pushes me with her words and actions. I have to protect myself and just get out of her way and stay the course for my kids.
I read your update and i can see why you think it was a terrible interaction but in all honesty i think very little of it had anything to do with you.
Yes, there are always bits where if you had done things slightly differently then it might have been better and its good to learn from those (the if this was the other way round, how would I feel is a good test)
But reading that i think that interaction had way more to do with your W not feeling in control and in someway diminished in her parenting role. You're getting on with life and being a good parent and she is finding that when you share kids not everything is exactly how she wants it - that messes with her narrative which in turn causes friction, which leads to that common WAS/LBS shared narrative that any friction must be because the LBS' did something wrong.
The interaction may have felt terrible and there may be some better communication that could have taken place but actually from what you posted I would say 95%+ of the negativity there was all on her.
so the only question you really have to answer is whether you are comfortable with the way you conducted yourself?
Have a good evening.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
No, I think I handled myself pretty well, no voice raising, no yelling, no profanity (on my part) and I did not let her bait me into an argument.
I am just tired of getting bullied by her. That's how it feels to me and that is a terrible feeling. In my mind she should be glad that I am taking the kids to the doctors on my week with them. What on earth could be wrong with that?
When she left, she even took their shot records. I have asked for her to share those with me, she refuses.
Its just all around better that I don't see her. I will be glad when school starts to we can go back to drop off and pick up without seeing each other.
The Jimmy Cagney image of squashing the grapefruit in her face keeps appearing in my mind.
You may not think you aren't a model, but you are doing really, really well. No one said it meant you wouldn't still be confused, in pain, or having to move forward at times through sheer force of will. If you look at all the people who you think are doing well and that you look to for inspiration, please let me know if you see any of them that aren't struggling at least inside at times.
What makes people inspirational is that we see that they are human and struggle just like we do, and yet they get it done. We can relate to it and it can inspire us because we can see that the other person is doing it despite the difficulty and struggles we see in ourselves.
So, take some satisfaction that your work is helping others too. And, it looks like you are helping your M and your family. No guarantees, but it is great work.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
I agree with the others. You did a good job in a very difficult situation. A situation that is showing your W's insecurities She has to attack you because she doesn't feel in control and/or questions her own parenting abilities. Remember, anger is a secondary emotion and means she is still dealing with her own internal issues so don't take it personal(easier said than done, I understand). Keep going on this path and let her be angry, just don't get sucked into it.
Time to start a new thread.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
