Need advice for a WW who left Part 2

[dwh15]

hi dwh, just stopping by. skimmed over threads 1&2. wouldn't be surprised if I missed it, but in a nutshell - why has WW escaped? what was she not getting in the M?

That's a good question, and one which I can't totally answer, because she never wanted to discuss it. After BD, she was so done with the M that I didn't even get the chance to hear her gripes. She just left, after maybe 10 minutes of discussion. And hasn't wanted to talk about it since. I know that she felt alone, ignored, and taken for granted. She used to constantly say she felt like we were roommates or "friends with benefits". This went on for so long that I quit even responding to it. In hindsight, it was a huge red flag, but like many men, I didn't see it that way. We had definitely grown apart the past couple of years and she was spending at least 3-4 nights/week out of the house. Always supposedly out with girlfriends, but now I know that it was actually with OM. In response to that, I started shutting her out, not paying much attention to her even when she was here. I felt lonely myself and unhappy, but wasn't sure how to fix things. I had suggested MC on multiple occasions, but WW always shot the idea down, saying it wouldn't do any good.

I had also become very negative in general. Annoyed at people, critical of my own kids. Not happy with my job. Never wanting to do much socially, and hiding in front of a computer for hours on end playing games or browsing the internet. Just not a fun person to be around. I feel that I have changed most of the negative behavior in the past few months. I'm a better father than I have probably been my entire life. I have developed great relationships with every kid, we do fun things together, I make all the meals, do the laundry, give the baths, etc. Basically a single dad doing his best.

I have also reconnected with all my immediate family, and a few of my extended family such as cousins, aunts, uncles. I talk to my sister every day, and both my brothers, and mom at least once a week. Before, we would go months on end w/o seeing each other. I've gotten back into the church, which I been away from for over 25 years, and am getting involved in as much as I can to connect with people. I have reached out to old friends, and am making new friends on a regular basis. Even my job situation is changing, although not by choice, and I've had several interviews recently which went well so feel that something positive is coming on that front soon. I no longer lose my temper when something bad happens. I take it in stride and handle it calmly. I think the kids are amazed sometimes that I don't blow up.

On top of that, I feel that I do a much better job just listening to people and empathizing. Not trying to offer suggestions or solutions, but just listening. I feel that was probably another bad habit I did with WW. When she had a problem, I always wanted to offer a way to fix it. Didn't realize that she wasn't necessarily looking for a solution. She just needed to talk about it. I continue to look inward for other ways to improve, and plan for that to be an ongoing process in my life going forward.

As far as letting her go, I agree with you, and feel that for the most part, I have. We are down to almost NC, other than a handful of texts regarding plans for the kids. I have cut off all financial support, and no longer do her any favors, unless it somehow benefits me or the kids as well. It's been very hard to let go, but after a few weeks of playing the part of BFF to a tee, I realized I wasn't helping myself or her. I did get plenty of contact from her doing it, all kinds of details on what she was doing, how she was feeling, etc. Probably the best we've gotten along in a long time. But I just couldn't adjust to her wanting to discuss OM and the latest drama with him, or how wonderful he was with kids, bla bla. I hung on for a while, thinking that the closeness we seemed to have could be a door to R, but I was totally fooling myself, and after doing enough reading on line, especially from Sandy about the WW, I knew it had to stop. I would have been "friend zoned" for life. Still haven't given up all hope but doing my best to detach, give my kids and me the best life we can have in this sitch, and praying for a miracle that some day my WW will find her way home.