Morning. I back again and need to vent and advice.
My wife brought the boys to see me yesterday (they now live with her mother about an hour 1/2 away). The boys and I have annual Tournament that we go to and she agreed. Well, the Championship Game was at 6pm. She had gotten to the house around 11:30am. She was furious of that because she didn't want to be here past 7pm and wasn't about to stay over at all. I mentioned to her that she knew that the boys and I do this as a tradition every year and ask her what's the big deal?
Anyway, she had mentioned to me a week ago the boys needed clothes for school so we went to the mall and got them clothes. There didn't seem to be a problem. Boys were feeling good and looked very happy. She looked fine with it. We then finish up at the Mall and she decides we should got to the Cheese Cake Factory to get something to eat because the boys were hungry, but it would take long. We then proceed to a Japanese Restaurant we have been to before and an early dinner. Everything seemed of and she says we'll got to the game, but won't stay the whole game...I agree.
We get to the game and everything is fine my older boys (9,6 yrs old) want to sit in the bleachers, but my little 2 year old isn't sitting so I tell my oldest Son the youngest isn't going to sit and I'll come back when the Games starts. Game starts and I try with the youngest...not happening oldest is upset. I take youngest to play near his mom and now she starts to freak out and say she got it and that she got played to come and baby sit when I made it abundantly clear that it was a father and son tradition and that she wasn't there to be a part of it and just there to baby sit when I was to be the one to handle it because I insisted in bring my youngest. She was furious. I told her that wasn't the case, but it was a loosing battle.
Out of the blue, the boys good friends and their parents (3 years divorced) show up. Wife calms down and everyone happy for the moment. The kids go and play, wife speak to other wife (her good friend) and starts to confide in her. I speak to the wife briefly and she says she feels for me and to hang in there cause there is still hope given what she is hearing. It's hard to believe cause W is acting the opposite to me.
Well the drive home (30-40 min) was hell. She pounded me with all my failures and she wasn't to go down with a sinking ship. After 15 min, I sternly say stop..enough! I know I have failed to keep promises, I failed to pay bills, I have failed to have loved you the way you deserve, but I can't change that. I wish I could but can't!!! I go on for about 10 minutes not about wanting to get back, but telling her that I will not allow her to try and break me down or continue to remind me of my past failures and that I am taking the steps to rebuild myself up for myself and my boys.
I was to go up and take my boys for a haircut today and she agreed but then curiously changed her mind. I want to reach out to her and ask why? I promised my oldest Son I will be there and need your advice. Anything I said and did was bad or wrong and she was being difficult and ugly to the core saying she has closed the door and that we will never be together for some reason. She was always saying she was strong and never been more independently strong and that I don't like it and can't handle it.
The following are the texts between us:
Wife- Made it safely back. Will call in the Am once boys are up. They will probably be sleeping in. Have a good evening
Me- Glad you guys made it safely. Thank you for bringing the boys down. I'm grateful. It was really nice to see the boys and you too. Good night.
Wife- I'm not happy with the way today went. I will not be driving to City (where I live). I do not think it's ok to come tomorrow. The conversation in the car was not ok. Our boys are So upset. I feel setup and used, your actions and words today are unacceptable. And, you should have respected the fact that our boys shouldn't be getting home at 10:30. And help support me when I said No. I will not tolerate this anymore or accommodate your visits with the boys.
Mutual Friend (Actually her friend who she confides in)-
I will do whatever I can -- it's heartbreaking to me for all of you .... It hits so close to home, obviously.
And I agree -- she's listening to other people (I did too) and she is worried about her mom's approval.... She needs to miss you ... She needs to miss her boys before she really knows what it is like ...
I was really nervous talking to you and getting her upset -- but I have a wealth of experience & I will try to convey to her what it's really like.
And please do not move to Hawaii -- your boys need you.
It's such a hard road for everyone .... I'm here if you need to talk --
I think you need to stock up on the spew jackets and STFU smoothies. There was NOTHING to be gained by having this kind of impassioned discussion in the car in front of your kids.
Look at it from her point of view. Regardless of your ACTUAL motives, it surely felt like a trap to her; captive audience in front of your children and you played it off like it's all her fault.
I think you need to back off from her. But you do need to figure out how to get your time with the kids.
Just [censored] and is scary to know it's over and my boys will have a broken home.
Do people really get back together? Is there hope in reconciliation? yes. But only through hard work. There's always hope, though - until you are ready to stop hoping.
Is this over since she says it's over and no chance ever? are you familiar with Sandi's rules? Don't believe anything she says.
I totally don't agree with the "don't believe anything she says," because they say they want a divorce the file , they say they want to move , they move out ....list goes on and on . Every situation is different , my wife thus far has done everything she's said 100%
Last edited by Aj8; 08/10/1504:14 AM.
Me:35 W:30 7 years together 11 months married No children W Left me-moved to her moms: June 2015 W filed for D: July 2015
Well the drive home (30-40 min) was hell. She pounded me with all my failures and she wasn't to go down with a sinking ship. After 15 min, I sternly say stop..enough! I know I have failed to keep promises, I failed to pay bills, I have failed to have loved you the way you deserve, but I can't change that. I wish I could but can't!!! I go on for about 10 minutes not about wanting to get back, but telling her that I will not allow her to try and break me down or continue to remind me of my past failures and that I am taking the steps to rebuild myself up for myself and my boys.
Wow, all that was in front of the kids? She needled you into it. You will have to be the one to stand up to her about not discussing personal matters in front of the boys. She is just a barrel of emotions, so she will blow whenever she feels the need, even in front of her children. This is showing the boys that their family is threathened, and it's scary. It also shows them what a man does when a woman attacks him (verbally). They are watching you to see how you handle this, and will probably teach them how to apply it in the future after they are grown.
My advice for now is to not include her in family outings (at least for a while). If she tries to invite herself or asks to go, I'd say something like, "Considering how things went the last time, I am not in favor of it". She wants to live a separated life from you.......so give it to her. I especially discourage any more rides together in the same car. That's a slaughter waiting to happen.
Strangely enough, when the WW thinks you are no longer interested in her, having her around, spending time with her, etc., it causes her to want to draw a little closer. That's why many WW's will turn on the charm just long enough to make the H think there could be hope. Once she sees he is still very interested in being with her.......she pulls away.
I believe you will need to set some personal boundaries. Read the link in Cadet's list.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Hi, yesterday I drove to see my kids and spent a fun afternoon together.
I needed to vent as my wife and her mom are acting like best friends in high school or a sick fantasy of a couple only where I have been replaced by her mom.
Wife is so into herself and acting like the kids cries and hurt are non existent. First, it really kills me to see my kids hurting and her acting as if it's ok no biggie. Secondly, WTH is she feeling and thinking?
I am now seeing more and more people that are wife's friends telling me that wife and Wife's mom are so enmeshed and that the mom is making them mad that they want to tell wife it's not good and also tell the mom to back off. They all see that the mom is making harder for me get my back together again and that the mom should stop. I am not asking wife's friends...they are telling me.
I want my family back. I feel like wife is not the loving lady I knew, but an ugly, uncaring, stranger that I am not liking.
I appreciate the advice from everyone and I thought I can win (for a lack of a better word) my family back with my changes and wife see's it, but refuses to trust the changes she see's and unwilling to risk the safety and stability that she says her mom is providing. What a blow to me cause I thought when you love someone and have kids you push through the thick and thin and good and bad together.
PLEASE help me in getting my family back together and also how to stay course. I don't want to give up, but it's getting harder not easier on this journey seeing the hurt and pain my boys are going through and also the ugliness wife is showing.
