I spoke too soon yesterday. Found out that the OW was viewing my Linkedin account and then noticed she is still "friends" with H even though he told me he took her off all of his social media 3 months ago. So I asked him and turns out they still talk at work. Even though he told me 3 months ago they didn't. I had a huge cry last night, almost as though I was back to BD. Big difference is that H held me and tried to comfort me and apologized profusely to me. So that is progress in our R but not progress for me personally. I was doing so much better, felt so strong, and now I feel pathetic.
I believe him that the Affair is over, but he has so little sensitivity for my feelings and such extremely poor boundaries that he just doesn't "get it"- you can't keep being casual friends after an EA. And you can't lie at all. He doesn't want things to be awkward, well he should have thought of that before he had the A. I am pulling myself together this morning, I will NOT let this set me back.
I hate myself right now, I feel like the weakest and most pathetic person. I was being so strong, I was feeling so good about myself, and then I get thrown off so easily? I wish I could just go back to bed and sleep for the next 6 months. The whole time I was crying I was thinking "I am projecting weakness, I am projecting lack of confidence, I am such a loser"- this is awful, I can't even experience normal human emotions. And tonight we were supposed to go out on a "date" - the first one H initiated since before BD. Should I even go? I don't even know what is right anymore, I just want to stop hurting. I want my H back, I want him to want to be back, and I want to stop hurting.
