Overwhelming and all consuming. Yeah, Toots, that's it. I'm lucky to have a good crew of guys out here who won't let me sit in my room and dwell for too long. I just got a good workout in with my buddy and feel a little calmer. The gym helps me out a little bit, definitely more than sitting around. It just seems like even when I do get busy and try to distract myself, once the activity ends its back to reality. Hard. Even when I'm lifting I'm so deep in my thoughts its like I'm not even there. I feel terrible for my friends because I'm sure I'm not much fun to be around atm. They're great though. I'm lucky to have them. They've noticed my changes and have made a few comments about how I'm not the same person that left for this deployment, which I couldn't agree with more. Especially since I've cut the booze. I look at the person I was a few months ago and it makes me sick. I can't believe how far I let myself go. I totally lost myself and the person I want to be. That was the person that pushed my wife away and broke her heart until she could no longer love me. Maybe one day she'll see the change too. Maybe it's too late. Either way I've gotta keep going.
Sorry for the long post, I guess I just needed to get some stuff out. I'm sure i broke some of the 37 rules too. I'm still working on getting those in my head and read the post everyday.
Thanks again to all of you for being here for me through this. I appreciate it more than anything.
