Lost & confused

[Clairee]

One minute you think you're doing good & the next something triggers a memory. That happened to me today. So had a group of people at the house for training. Mid way through all of a sudden I find myself thinking about OW. The training was on loyalty, trust, & integrity. I kept thinking this scuzzy knew we were married. She had the nerve to call me sister while stabbing me in the back. And now I'm dealing with the fallout of her damsel in distress theater performance. Oh she's a piece of work. One of those miss goody two shoes, sticky sweet, let's be bff ------! Then played the I know what it's like to be away from the ones you love so if you ever need a friend, I'm here card. Followed by the my BF isn't being nice to me boo-hoo whoa is me card. Followed by the you're such a great friend & wonderful person & just so happy you're in my life card: To the I can't help myself I love you BS. Then clingy, needy, I'll wait for you crap. Which of course completely throws me because H hates needy, clingy, dependent women. Always has comments about those kind of women & how unattractive that is: But I've said it before, H suffers from DIDS...damsel in distress syndrome. He just can't stand to see a child or woman upset. H finally admitted it wasn't love of any kind but he felt sorry for her & wanted to help & got caught up in it & before he knew it, he was saying whatever he thought she wanted to hear & didn't think about how it would impact me at all. JERK! That's all I can say here with the censors...LOL

I am not quite fresking out, but definitely stressed over him going back to Cali in a couple of months. I wish there were magic words to make that anxiety go away. Honestly, I don't know what H could say to make that less. He has sworn he won't do it again, swears he will leave if she shows up anywhere, swears he wants only me & that when we're good it never crosses his mind to stray. But I guess I want more than promises or sworn devotions. I want guarantees. But realistically, can he really guarantee that? Can anyone? If so, what is the guarantee? It is if XYZ happens, I guarantee to do this or that? I don't know if he can give me more than his promise he will stay faithful, monogamous & true to me. His actions when he's there will have to match those words, but then how can I see actions from 2000 miles away? H says if he finds himself in a bad place, he'll leave or call me right then.

It's a head meet wall proceed in banging night. I've tried picturing stop signs, tried reading, tried listening to a book on audible, tried meditating & finally came here to unload it hoping that frees my mind.. I do feel better getting this off my chest. These forums have been my lifeline through all of this: I don't know what I would've done had I not stumbled on to them. Advice is welcome & 2*4s if needed.

Tomorrow will be better. It has to be.