Thanks Bright and Lois, this is like having my own cheerleading team :o)
Just wanted to get a few things out of my head, just journaling a bit, stuff that I can't talk to friends about as they don't get any of the h stuff, which is understandable because I don't really understand it myself.
So work wise - I have finished my last full crapola cleaning shift and start 2 weeks of training for my new role on Tuesday. The expectations have been set out for me now and are much more than I realised; it's not a problem really, a bit more of a challenge but i like a challenge and work best when working to achieve a goal.
S18 is back visiting his g/friend for a few days, staying with me. Seems h has found a new place and moving in next weekend. s18 asked when he is allowed to come home ?? I had hoped that he would want to remain with his d but the answer to that was " what don't you get, dad is my dad, he always will be, but I wont forgive him breaking up our family and hurting you, he can try as hard as he wants with me, its not gonna happen" - ah, eek! So he is looking to move back Sept/Oct time.
I have not heard from h for a week now, he said to me that Friday is shrink day, Sat and Sun his head is a mush from the session. Wed and Thurs is head mess from building himself up to be open on Fri session, which leaves Mon and Tues - He is really all over the place, one moment is all about getting offended if I don't include "us" in my plans, he keeps asking me if anything has changed with me and my thoughts as he opens up about how life is for him and what is in his head (which to be honest some of it has made me take a step back, I am not a closed person, but some of the stuff that is going on in his head is seriously messed up) The next moment he is asking for space and saying that he still needs to build an individual life and get through enough therapy that he is happy with who he is and that he is never going to hurt anyone in the future .....notice that he did not say me ....
I dont get why he is being so honest and open about such personal stuff with me, we are no longer together so he is not required to tell me anything anymore. He has backtracked a bit on the "us" thing, saying his shrink has told him to walk away from that scenario for now and concentrate on sorting everything else out first - thus him no longer contacting me and keeping me in the dark again.
I really don't like this - its up, down, back, forwards, round and round.
One thing that has come out of this is the realisation that I miss being in a relationship, I miss all that comes with it, the physical and the intimacy, the having someone to share my life with. I never considered anyone else outside of h, its not been an issue until now, but I now think about it a lot more. A couple of my g/friends are in new relationships and I see that and now have a bad case of relationship envy - I am genuinely happy for them both and its lovely to see them so happy and loved up ....but jealous muchly :o(
