LBS becomes the WS. The price of peace.

[Pyrite]

hey Smothy, Zeus, Julie, dwh,

Zeus - great to see ya man !! Thanks for chipping in.

My mum has only seen W once since BD. She had to handle changeover of the kids for me coz I was laid up. She raised the issue of for better or worse with my W, pushed her but could get no comment. They HAVE to justify their behaviour no matter what remember. cognitive dissonance at its best.

I agree with this for better or worse sentiment. Wholeheartedly. I commented to GB one time that I don't really believe that M is sacred or D is a sin per se, but that doesn't mean I dont believe it shouldn't be "until death do us part".

This raises the issue of Love & M though. If one partner is no longer in love with the other, or more dramatically (as in my case) is in love with someone else should they stay in the M? I believe they should, or at at least try to. This is absolutely NOT because I have anything less than the utmost respect for love and honestly find it to be the greatest reward in life.

My grandmother commented to me when I was too young to understand, that the love you feeler your H after 50 years of ups and downs, raising a family etc runs much deeper and is much more rewarding than the love you feel when you first get married.

So Smothy, I agree with your H that "love" isn't enough, but love evolves. The rush we feel in the first few months is not there after 10 years. Expecting it to be is just stupid. Probably in most cases the WAS is not satisfied with the M, experiences this rush with AP and concludes the M does not give me this, therefore the love is gone in my M, I am justified to end it. This modern phenomena of short term, self gratification is as disgusting and ignorant as the short-sightedness of government agenda.

Arranged Ms are worthwhile thinking about in this space. This is on the other side of the coin to the "love isn't enough" way of thinking. All other compatabilties are in principle taken care of a priori, love evolves. Ironically arranged Ms have a FAR lower D rate.

Most of us have had long enough Rs with our Ss to NOT simply fall into this "we're just not compatible" bin. No - I'm afraid our Ss were just steamrolled by this modern attitude of SELF importance and everything that comes out of their mouths in justification is just ignorant rhetoric inspired by a society that is drowning real, longterm happiness. Its very sad indeed.

This is where I feel I am at now. I am being forced into adopting this attitude. I know how hard it is for me in my circumstance. I also knew my W for 12 years and although we didn't discuss this particular issue, I think/thought I knew where she would stand. Hence I can only imagine how hard it would've been for her and can absolutely see how her crazy/angry behaviour is just the fallout of this internal conflict.

It is also not surprising in this light to see how a lifetime pattern is setup for the WAS. This is a huge re-wiring of values and no doubt defines a new set of values for the WAS. In this respect I am thankful that it isn't me. I am sad for my W and almost hope that she does come unstuck, bottom out and have the chance to rebuild a more robust set of values. Values that aren't at the mercy of feelings that come and go.

Beliefs - Values -> -> behaviour ->->-> feelings

It seems our WSs are running arse about and trying to modify their Beliefs-Values to match their feelings. CRAZY!

thanks for the discussion. it sure helps me. will venture out of my own sand-pit when I have some more time.