Still, you haven't failed. Not even yet to save your marriage. I'm not saying it looks good, but it's still not final, and 11th hour changes of heart happen (partly the deal doesn't look so good when they aren't getting the fantasy of what they think the arrangement will be). And, as you say, you can stand up and look the kids in the eye in the end. You have also become a better parent, and DBing is important to have as good a R as possible w/ an XW when co-parenting is involved. And who knows where that leads? Neither of you do. Still, no getting away from the pain of it all.
Thanks A. I realize that there is still time. This process can take several months to a year.
I found it so fitting what you wrote about the agreement and how there is a fantasy vs reality to it.
So I was served today with the agreement drawn up by my wife and her attorney. Needless to say I will NOT be signing it and it will be going to my attorney for essentially a total revision. Here is a dose of fantasy from her agreement:
She wants to waive the use of the alimony and child support calculation system in our state. I was laid off from professional work 4 years ago (at which time I made 75,000 per year). For the last 4 years I work two cash based seasonal positions. One in the Spring and Summer and another in the Fall and Winter. I make about 38,000 per year between these two jobs. Since they are cash based we have been "liberal" in our JOINT tax filing these last four years. So her attorney wants to treat the situation as if I am unemployed (which I am not) because if they utilized the alimony and child support system based off of what we have claimed the amount would be ridiculously low. So her proposal is to "waive" alimony and ask for $350 per week in child support (which is almost half of what I make). They are basing this on impuning an income of $75,000 per year on me (which I have not earned in four years) and an income of $0 for my wife (which is false because she provides daycare for my cousin's daughter and earns $500 per month from it). My approach from my end with my attorney has been utilizing what I actually make (not the lower amount that has been claimed) and using the state's system to determine a fair amount of alimony / child support based on reality. This would also mean that income would be impuned upon my Wife since the child support is a duel responsibility and she will have to GET A JOB (oh the horror). So that is a fantasy. I'm not just going to agree to give her half of the money I make based off of false numbers. That is unfair and is just not how the system works in our state.
She wants joint legal custody of our two children (which is fine) but wants sole physical custody of them (which is not fine). Meaning she wants them to live with her full time. I will be limited to a visitation schedule of "no less than 6 hours per week" (pretty low minimum if you ask me). And the kicker: She gets 365 overnights and I get ZERO.
She wants life insurance policies on both of us. This is a good idea. However, she want the trustee of my policy to be her and the trustee of her policy to be her mother. So if I die, she gets $250,000 for the children that she can utilize as she sees fit for their needs. That part I have no problem with. BUT, if she dies, her $150,000 policy for our children goes to her......MOTHER? So what you are telling me is that if my wife dies, my mother-in-law gets to decide what happens to the life insurance money for my children? Yeah, not happening.
Vehicles: We have a crappy car (in her name that is paid off) that I drive and a good car (in my name) that she drives. She wants me to finish paying off the car in my name while she continues to drive it and then.....switch titles so I can "keep" the crap box and she can keep the good car. Not happening. We BOTH need safe and reliable vehicles for the children. So something different needs to happen here.
So basically, her agreement is for me to give her half of what I earn on less than $40,000 per year, give her my car and keep the clunker no questions asked, kids live with her and I get no overnights and she just goes about her life as a stay at home mom. Babysitting during the day and maybe working a part time job in the evenings while I "watch the kids".
I have been educated by my attorney about how all of this really works and I have to admit that I feel badly for my wife because the reality of how all of these issues will end up will be nothing like what is drawn up in that agreement.
So yeah, the fantasy and the reality do not match.
