Im not entirely sure what your question is about making love...
If it is whether you should or not...that is something very personal. If you can do it without any expectations that it means anything more than physical comfort and relief, then i would say go for it. If you expect that it means things are getting better and you will feel used, hurt, or disappointed if things dont work out, then i would wait until you are on more solid ground.
Either way, as you are unsure if he had a PA, I highly recommend getting a checkup for STD's and using protection.
Its a hard call because men feel emotionally connected to women after ML. Women feel emotionally connected and that makes them want to ML.
As far as why he might iniate...he could have had a physical need, he could have been wanting to show you he loves you, he may have been checking your reaction, or the wind could have blown too hard.
Posting from my phone, which I hate, so taking a break for a few. Lol.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Yeah, whether I should or not. No, can't do it without it meaning something... his words have said (months ago) that it was about "testing the waters w/me and also just physical release/relief". He knows it doesn't work that way for me... and when we did recently, it wasn't just physical... And yes, scared of feeling used. And what you said about feeling emotionally connected is why it is so confusing. For me, ML would be something of a 180 or "acting as if"... I think it would meet some of his emotional needs... but, it could also be something else. Yes, this is one of the ways he shows he loves me... and I think he can't quite say it but still wants to show it. UGH.
Me: 42, H: 38 Married: 12 years (second M for me) 14D, 9D 2015 EA (PA??), porn addict, *pastor/counselor* MLC
At a counselor, he said he wanted the marriage but not to work on himself w/a IC. Piecing?
So, if you're still playing along... in my previous posts there was some discussion about repentance and forgiveness. I think he knows I am willing & ready to forgive. I've couched this in terms of, "I believe you are an honorable man, even now. I don't think of you as a "villian" (his term). I only want the truth". To which he usually responds that he wants to know exactly what he's accused of and how. Which is just a ploy so he can create defenses by making counter-accusations. Or he'll say he won't discuss it on my terms.
The discussion in my first thread talked about forgiving before he repents. Are you saying to just say, "I forgive you" directly? Or how would you handle this in this sitch.
Me: 42, H: 38 Married: 12 years (second M for me) 14D, 9D 2015 EA (PA??), porn addict, *pastor/counselor* MLC
At a counselor, he said he wanted the marriage but not to work on himself w/a IC. Piecing?
I hope you don't take this the wrong way. For all of these threads, it feels like you think/believe that if you say just the right thing, that there will be some shift in the dynamics and he will come running back. Like you're trying to find just the right crack in the dam to break it open to let the water spill forth.
My question to you is that in all of the discussions you've had over the last few weeks, has there been a single one that you walked away from where you were able to say "yes. I have a clear direction. I understand everything."?
My point is that forgiveness, repentance.....these are things you DO not things you SAY. If you intentionally ran over my dog and then immediately said "I'm sorry" and I say "I forgive you"...do you think I would believe you? Would you believe me?
I really think you need to stop focusing so much on every conversation and on every feeling.
That is exactly what I was trying to get to in terms of the forgivness.
You dont need to say it. And you should need nothing from him in order to do it. Yes acknowledgement and an apology would be great, and those things could come eventually but I wouldnt expect them right now.
I believe God forgives us, whether we repent or not, whether we ask for forgivness or not.
Once you are able to find it within to forgive and let go of the hurt, how you behave will change and your H will see that.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Azzork, I know that's a problem w/my perspective. I guess its more that I'm just scared of doing it all wrong... knowing that I keep doing things wrong. Things seem so precarious - sometimes very good and sometimes still bad. No, I don't understand some things but maybe those are things which I'll never understand. I just need to *KNOW*. And I know he's probably not ready. For a Christian, forgiveness is also explicitly said. We are exhorted to both confess & repent and also speak forgiveness. In that order. It's how we do it in church services, it's how we are encouraged to act in the Scriptures, etc. So, you can see why I'm not 100% on what you're saying. I think it is very important to forgive - vitally so! I have forgiven in my heart. But he is not interested in that forgiveness yet. Or he's scared to "go there" yet. Letting go of the hurt... I still want so much to move on and build a new life with him. But that hurt is nearly always there. I don't show it to him, if I can help it. I know that doesn't help. Still trying to be easy breezy. Sometime he takes that as being cocky or condescending... so I'm sure I'm doing a lot of this all wrong.
Me: 42, H: 38 Married: 12 years (second M for me) 14D, 9D 2015 EA (PA??), porn addict, *pastor/counselor* MLC
At a counselor, he said he wanted the marriage but not to work on himself w/a IC. Piecing?
There's been new contact w/OW, and reciprocated. I don't know all the details or how much. I know his was "I miss you terribly" and it had a link to a music video of, ironically, our song. So it's been a rough day. I thought we were approaching agreement of no contact and moving towards piecing but I've been a fool, as usual. Starting to really question what I want to do.
Me: 42, H: 38 Married: 12 years (second M for me) 14D, 9D 2015 EA (PA??), porn addict, *pastor/counselor* MLC
At a counselor, he said he wanted the marriage but not to work on himself w/a IC. Piecing?
Things seem so precarious because you're terrified that if you make a single mistake, it will all come crashing down. It's like you're building a house of cards but you're so nervous that the next card you place is going to knock the whole thing down that you can't place any more cards!
What if I told you your M was already over? What if I came and knocked down your entire house of cards?
To be fair, I don't know if I can believe it's "over". There's always hope, always second chances, always forgiveness. Not to be a doormat of course. Just a choice to not quit.
Me: 42, H: 38 Married: 12 years (second M for me) 14D, 9D 2015 EA (PA??), porn addict, *pastor/counselor* MLC
At a counselor, he said he wanted the marriage but not to work on himself w/a IC. Piecing?
