Answer to: "why didn't you hear it from ME?"

[asitis]

My reading is that Michelle understands the frustration, but also that the tool most commonly used by women to get through (nagging) isn't really effective at getting a man to change. Actions speak louder generally. And I don't mean just walking out, but say the H doesn't come home on time & this bugs the W. Instead of complaining w/ words, take action to communicate, e.g., don't be there when he does come home - get on w/ your life. The problem is when you are using a tool that doesn't really work, haven't tried a tool that does, then drop the bomb with that tool and voila it work, be glad that it did. This doesn't negate the real frustration the W feels, but puts it in perspective. It also is why we need to validate the feelings, as that is the bigger issue (feeling hurt that you weren't heard or seemed to count).

Worse, actually making the changes can trigger anger because it sets off feelings like if he could have done this, why didn't he do this before he caused me so much hurt?

Not really fair, but then neither was the W having to be not heard. So, we deal with what is, and focus on how to actually heal the emotional rift rather than complaining about the unfairness and seeming unreasonableness from our narrow perspective. Later, once the dust has settled, maybe there will be chance to work on the R. Then it would be time to help the W see that nagging isn't the best approach with most men, including you, and while you have learned how to listen better, exposing her to the tool that works is good relationship skill building. Not an easy conversation, but it will likely be part of piecing when you hopefully get there.