i know what you are saying about validating the decision to A. I, like you, also believe EVERYTHING should be tried first. Sad in my sitch at least was that W walked in late from work one night and just declared the M over, there will be no further discussion. Of course I scrambled for a few weeks trying to get her to at least go to MC. Finally she agreed, just tis shut me up. We got there and she told MC this will be quick -M is over.I don't even want to try, so thats it.
Sadder than that was that a week earlier she initiated discussion that 2015 was going to see serious work on our R because it wasn't good enough. I was ecstatic, I had been waiting 3.5 years for that moment. W expected a different reaction from me, didn't get it, so put on her bad guy boots and did the slaughtering herself.
It clicked in Jan about OM who she had even brought to lunch. She denied it of course, but I uncovered it in February. I understood even back then how the A started. I knew she was angry because she was conflicted etc. Recently, I have felt uneasy and guilty about distracting myself with even thoughts of another woman. several discussions with people on other threads have made me realise that this is AKIN at least to what W must've been through. Although for her it was a full on extra-marital A.
Its taken me 6 months of concerted effort to get to a point when I am hurting again I can pull myself out via OKing this form of distraction. Although this is hard work. Then to maintain it is even further work. I deeply resent being pulled back in. AND this is for me, the LBS!! it must've been hard work for her.
How on earth this kind of effort can seem preferable to MCing, or trying anything - is just beyond me. Maybe it is seriously takes a certain type of person. Maybe OM is that good. Maybe I am that bad. All of the above. Who knows. It doesn't really even matter anymore. D is imminent. R is very unlikely.
it's ironic that now we feel like the WAS. when we reach that point where we know if we give up - then it's over. although, looking from the outside, one could make the observation from one day to the next that R didn't change, W didn't change, nobody even spoke to anyone. The only thing that will change is us. So R, M, has existed in our mind, nowhere else. We are pretending almost that so long as we hold on to hope, then there is hope. But realistically, in cases like mine, and maybe yours, and others where A is in full flight as new R for our WS,
I think the reality is that any chance of R is so far far away that what we do right now in terms of trying to R, practising LRT etc - is almost useless. All that we can do is to leave our hearts open to the possibly of R by not hating them. Not saying never.
M: 6 T: 12 Kids: 2,4 BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015 EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
