have i been making mistakes too long

[tkdmme]

So dinner at brother in laws house went well. I was able to avoid my w. No contact other than having to see her. I'm playing golf this morning. With me luck. I'm still very shook up but hoping to have a good day.

[sandi2]

Just bought the DR book. I know I have to read it all but just skimming through before w got home. Feel like I got a plan already

Start with chapter ten.

[tkdmme]

Good lord patients is hard to achieve. I want this to be over.

[dwh15]

It's a very long road brother. I can tell how badly you are struggling. I totally understand and feel the same most of the time. Nobody around me gets it. My family and friends just keep saying to move on, it's over. Tell me I could never trust her again and it would never be the same between us. It's so easy to say those kinds of things, until you are in this position. Like you, I just want my W and family back.

I think that it does get easier with time, but still believe you are going to have a difficult time detaching with W living in the same house. Some guys can pull it off, but I'm not sure I could, and from your story, I would say it's going to be the same for you. Do your best to stay busy and plan activities w/o your W. You'll probably still think about her constantly for a while but will slowly start to adjust. Just keep moving forward one day at a time.

[tkdmme]

My family is saying the same thing. Her family is saying that I can't give up. And they don't get how hard it is to live through this

[dwh15]

My family is saying the same thing. Her family is saying that I can't give up. And they don't get how hard it is to live through this

Nobody who hasn't been through this will ever be able to understand it. I remember when I used to say to myself, that if I ever caught my W cheating, that would be it! Kick her to the curb, be a total a-hole to her, no regrets on my part, never look back. Oh, how much different reality is when it happens. This is just one of those experiences that nobody can predict how they will really feel until they live through it.

My sitch is the same, in that my family is all pretty much in the "move on" camp, but WW's sisters are still hoping for me to hold on. As time goes on though, even they are starting to understand that it might really be over and wouldn't blame me for filing D. Funny enough, WW's own father almost immediately encouraged me to move on the second he found out. He went through something similar in his life with his 1st M, so I'm sure this hits close to home for him.

All I can tell you is that things should start to get a little easier as you start to detach. I can feel myself letting go a little more every day. I almost feel guilty sometimes, because I know I'm the only one with any interest in saving the M right now. But I can't keep living with a pit in my stomach 24-7, unable to concentrate on anything for more than 5 minutes. I'm doing my best to lovingly detach, while still leaving the door open for a possible R. I believe I can maintain that position for a few months, but know that I'm going to eventually hit a breaking point and just be done. Even now, I'm starting to question sometimes whether I really want my W back, and whether I could ever trust her again. But I'll cross that bridge when and if I get get to it. Hang tough.

[tkdmme]

Thanks dwh,

I remember thinking the same thing. That it wouldn't bother me if she left and I would have a great life without her. But I was so wrong. I just finished playing golf with her brother. He has been very supportive to me but he just don't understand why I can't stop worrying. He thinks I'm acting weak. He's right but he has never been through something so traumatic.

I didn't play worth a &$/#%. Today. I appreciate hearing from you and the others on this site it has been helpful. As I'm writing this there is a lump in my throat and a sickness that I can't explain.

[tkdmme]

Sandia

Why do you say to start with chapter 10. My wife is not having an A as far as I know. I'm pretty convinced that she is not based on many things. Just wondering why u would want me to start there.

[HurtHus]

Nobody who hasn't been through this will ever be able to understand it. I remember when I used to say to myself, that if I ever caught my W cheating, that would be it! Kick her to the curb, be a total a-hole to her, no regrets on my part, never look back. Oh, how much different reality is when it happens. This is just one of those experiences that nobody can predict how they will really feel until they live through it.

That is absolute truth. I thought the same way.

One thing I will say to you both that I've picked up here and through my DB coach. Our marriage is dead and gone. At least the old one is. It is also not one worth holding onto or going back to. That's not to say a new R or M can't be born out of this and it can't be a better R or M than it ever was. Just accept that the old R is dead and gone. That will help. At least it did in my situation.

[tkdmme]

I can't help but think during this that it's all my fault. My logic says no its not all your fault but my mind is an a-hole. Saying things like " what makes you think anyone would want you much less your wife who knows you better than anyone". Just being pessimistic which is the norm these days.