Mozza (13) + Links to success stories

[Mozza]

Thanks Toots and jim0987. I ended up writing her 2-3 fairly warm sentences to congratulate her. And this morning she texts me: "So, could you call this D lawyer? Let me know the date for an appointment".

[HeavyD]

Man - that must feel like a punch in the gut. You text to say congradulations and she uses the outreach to pound you to call the lawyer.

I would not call the lawyer, that's her job. I would not lift a finger nor respond to her text.

If she wants to call, let her. Let her set an appointment.

Jeez

[Mozza]

Yes, it was hurtful. I haven't responded yet, but I will. Our S is slightly different from yours and I've been at least collaborative, if not proactive nor quite responsive (mostly out of pain). I've even agreed in mediation to react to her (relevant) communications within 72 hours. I will likely tell her that she can call the lawyer herself. The problem is that she'll do it in 10 minutes and I'll look like an obstructive fool.

[raliced]

Sorry Mozza-

So is the Divorce Lawyer an escalating step in the process where you are? Or is this just a replacement for the not so satisfactory mediator? How are those sessions going?

Good work congratulating her. It's gets to be wearisome but always better to be gracious.

[SunnyB]

Mozza, I can see the D follow up question in a different way. Instead of "let me say something nice and then punch Mozza", I see it as "even though we are getting D, I can still celebrate with Mozza and we can discuss D in a calm way". I really can. Maybe????

[Karma12]

Hey Mozza,

I understand how confusing that kind of behavior is. My STBX does the same with me. When he did well in court he texted me to tell me. I was just telling my friend today that my STBX is too comfortable and familiar with me for someone that is supposed to be my ex. In some ways they are still trying to get their cake and eat it too. She is used to sharing with you and did so with no regard to how mixed those signals may be to you considering you are filing for D.

I am also keeping more distant. It is the only way to not get caught in the web of mixed signals. It is easier for me to not be close enough to get hurt. I have had enough of that and I'm sure you have too.

You are still going to have low days, it's part of the process. Just as long as your know that there are better days coming. Keep up the good work. Find time for some fun.

Cheers,

Karma

[Sotto]

Oof - sorry to hear that Mozza - but consider others' perspectives on it and that may help with any sting. The job part was emotional, and I still think it was good to share in that.

This part is back to business - that's okay. If we remove the emotion. Is what she is suggesting okay for you? Would making that contact normally be something she would do? Do you both have your own L's? If so - she would contact hers and you yours presumably?? I think it's fine to clarify in pleasant terms how you expect this to work.

I think the main thing is not to react emotionally to what just happened. Just switch from 'warm congrats' to 'business' mode.....

Take care my friend xx

[Mozza]

Thanks all. I don't think it was a calculated move on her part. It hurts because she's indifferent to me. Some of you are in screaming matches, some get the cold shoulder one year into the S. For me, she just moved on and is trying to be nice enough and get things done. There's no traction, really. So she shared her joy of having a good review because she was overwhelmed with joy and then reminded me about the D lawyer because it was on her to-do list. No link, no intention, no worries about the impact on me.

She had been uninterested in me for a while before S. It was upsetting, but part of M, I thought. She would ask a couple of polite questions, but barely react to my answer because she wasn't really listening. Also, she would bring literally everything back to herself. It was spectacular.

So I have a WW who sees her D as a solved problem, with a few steps to go through. It's not always easy, but she's not angry, sending a message or anything. She just finally found someone more compatible and life is good. I'm a good father, so everything falls into place.

This lawyer is just a replacement for the unsatisfactory mediator. It's not really an "escalation", just a continuation of the process, although to me, it does feel like an escalation. Also, we'll go for a "mutual agreement" D because otherwise I'd have to be served and the paperwork would be more expensive and take longer otherwise. At this stage, it wouldn't make a difference anyway. I'm considering telling her that I still don't agree with the D, but that I go along with this procedure because it's cheaper and simpler.

[Fogg]

For me, she just moved on and is trying to be nice enough and get things done.

You assume she moved on, don't believe its the full case. If it helps you move forward then fine, but she could be thinking anything. My W is nice also and it makes me think shes moved on, but who to really say in the long run if they have or haven't.

So I have a WW who sees her D as a solved problem, with a few steps to go through. It's not always easy, but she's not angry, sending a message or anything. She just finally found someone more compatible and life is good. I'm a good father, so everything falls into place.

All WW's see the D as the solved problem and OM as the solution, yours is no different. You assume they are more compatible but again, in the long run when they aren't in the honeymoon phase with the chemicals driving them, who knows.

[Mozza]

Sigh. I'm still caught in the seemingly (to me only?) contradictory signals of WW. On the one hand, she's asking about the D procedures, because the ball is in my court. And yes, I'm slow. Not really on purpose, not because I'm trying to drag things down, but simply because it is highly unpleasant and I tend to procrastinate.

On the other hand, she texts and emails me "funny stuff", like yesterday was a proof-reading of a letter from D7's camp (it was full of mistakes). Today, it's a few chosen quotes from her clients. I just don't know what to make of it or even how to react. Yesterday, I did reply and today, I can't decide. I don't even know where it leads. Normalizing the separation? For the record, she always tried to be friendly to me and I've always kept my distance. I can't say that it hurts much anymore, but it does distract me.

Yesterday, I ran into her and D7 in the street. D7 ran towards me and jumped in my arms and didn't leave them until we reached destination some 400 feet farther. She and I chatted while WW walked slightly ahead of us. D7 made me look like a good father, if anything. I was not very affected by the encounter and continued on my way to the gym without much emotion.