LBS becomes the WS. The price of peace.

[Pyrite]

Cadet I am starting a new thread, with a new theme, I hope this is OK.

Sandi chaired a series of threads where she most impactfully described the behaviour of WWs and their motivation. In summary, the WS is unhappy in their M, finds herself in the situation of being pursued by OM, is flattered, and finally succumbs.

Somewhere along this path we, the LBSs come in, and the bomb is dropped. The WAS is angry, spitting venom, exaggerating and even making up all of the behaviour of the LBS that “forced” them to take this action. Rewriting history.

The vast majority of albeit well meaning advise to the LBS is merely the same as was given to and heard by the WS. “You deserve better. You’re better off.” At the very least “This is no way to live. You have to think of yourself first (for a change).” And this, my friends, is probably the crucial point – this ^^ is what the WS was persuaded by. And in ALL likelihood long before the AP surfaced.

Maybe 5 years ago and attractive woman entered my work place. I was a happily M man, so didn’t think twice about it. Even in later years when I wasn’t happily M, I was still M. In the past few months nothing has really changed in our R, however MY attitude has.

I have found myself, “telling” myself, even forcefully at times, that I am “allowed” to perceive this attractive woman as a potential R prospect. Now, 6 months post –appocolypse, I am remarkably detached and “over” my M blowing up and grieving for my W. I honestly forgive her and feel compassion for her. I still hurt. Mostly I think this is traceable to the rejection and often surfaces when I am struck by an image of her ML with OM.

Crucial point #2. When I get into this state, after wallowing for a bit, I try to pull myself out of it by imagining the “other” times. The times when I feel at peace with what has happened. Ultimately the times when I feel most compassionate for her and release her to her highest good. This generally leads to me feeling at peace with the life I have now and that which I might have in the future. This brings me back to imagining future R, possibly even with this attractive woman at work.

Then I start to feel uneasy again, even guilty. I tell myself, forcefully (from above) “This is no way to live. You have to think of yourself first (for a change).” Or at least something along those lines. In my case, as the LBS, this is easy enough to swallow, at least easier than it was for my W.

So the point is that my W went through exactly these same things. However in her case the M was still in place. My W was undoubtedly pursued by OM. This is just the reality of my situation. I honestly believe that my W was not looking for it. She was confronted with the same dilemma I am in that moment when I feel guilty. I feel “guilty” for even considering a R with OW. This consideration is prompted from a different place. She is not pursuing me, but it is “available”.

In my W’s case it was obviously made “available” as OM pursued her (and I do know this for a fact). “Considering” it made her feel free and happy, but it also made her feel guilty. And to ease her guilt, as do I, told herself “This is no way to live. You have to think of yourself first (for a change).”

Eventually this ^^ won out. She no doubt had a much harder fight on her hands to get this over the line than I do. Actually in my case it is relatively easy. This is my bed that someone else made for me. I have no other choice but to move forward with my interests in mind. The alternative is nothing but destructive anyway. Nonetheless II do feel guilty. Feel guilty because I am giving up on my M, my M that W has already declared buried and gone. I feel guilty because i am betraying W. But she already as a new life/love. If i feel guilty, how guilty must she have felt? No wonder she was s torn up and angry t BD when this all came out.

She finally made the conscious decision to stand by it. So any argument against her position is also going up against this hard won battle “to put herself first”. I know how hard it is for me to win this battle now as the LBS. It must’ve been hell for her. Being so hard fought it is not surprising that she is so angry and venomous, rewriting history and doing anything to hold her ground, push towards D. At the same time A is active and validating.

I wish I had’ve had this understanding months ago. But I honestly don’t think it would’ve made much difference in my case. I still hope that one day she softens when this A is done and we can talk about this. Very little chance that R will ever happen. But who knows.