Zelda - Baby One More Time

[asitis]

Hi Zelda,

The pain you are expressing come through, and I feel for you. You will not end up alone. Please trust that. If you end up not being in another M it will be because you choose not to, but that decision will come when it is time, which it is not right now.

You seem to feel very responsible for your sitch, which is unfortunately all too normal in a sitch where there is abuse like yours. That is likely contributing to your crying and considering going back. I don't want to project on to your sitch, but often there is a desire to redeem the abusive relationship to make it OK and take away the pain of feeling responsible. You aren't responsible, and it is not your fault. It is hard to get out of an abusive relationship, and we socialize women in ways that makes it so. So, even though you continued in the M with abuse, it is not your fault, and you cannot make the pain go away by redeeming the M. It's not that an abuser can't get help and change, but that would take time, and right now, that isn't where I think your focus should be. Your focus should be on healing yourself. On learning to show yourself all the compassion and love you deserve.

I'm glad you are in IC, and your IC is right that you H doesn't want you setting boundaries and expressing your wants, needs, anger, or anything else that doesn't suit him. And quite frankly given what you've said, you have every reason to have that level of anger and that's tough for your poor H who is upset he can't act out upon however he pleases.

Stay strong. No matter how difficult it seems, you are loveable, and you need to start with you loving yourself and allowing your self the time and care to heal and sort everything out and then figure out where you want to go from there. Let your H focus on himself (he needs a lot of help from what you've said), and you just focus on loving yourself as best you can. You are already showing you have that in you by taking the steps you have. That takes a lot of strength.