New marriage over pt3--filed for divorce

[Azzork]

Aj - these last two posts don't sound like someone who "is detached". Detaching is not about the physical act. It's not like you're a space shuttle detaching the rocket boosters after launch. It's about emotional unraveling of your feelings from her actions. It's not something you do once, it's a process you go through and it takes TIME. There are ups and downs and it comes from this process of letting go of the emotions, of the feelings, of the control.

You ask about a letter. Why do you want to write a letter? What do you want to say? What benefit do you think it will have? What expectations are you attaching to it?

Regarding the work trip, yeah, they can be rough. It's isplating enough going through this. Adding a business trip on top of it where you're staying at a hotel adds even more. Just remember it's ok to feel sad and lonely. But they pass. Think about doing something awesome instead - then do it. That will help you feel better!

[Aj8]

Azzork ,I've done everyone to detach and thought I was good , this week though I'm back to day one of crying , missing her , shes constantly on my mind, etc.

The letter was to let her know I have detached but if she ever changes her mind I'll be there ??? I'm confused I don't know

[Aj8]

I wonder if DB works for all, I haven't heard anything from my wife since mid July(just a text telling me she filed and I'll be getting the D papers, which I did), and haven't had a real conversation with her since the first week of June. Our problems are not that much, but seems she has moved on.

GAL and detaching has worked for me, I haven't even a hint of what's she's up to, but it seems she must have detached and living her life as if I never existed.

Sure DB improves one as a person, but I think for relationships or saving marriages, it varies from relationship to relationship and situations.

[Azzork]

Yes. DBing works for everyone that truly gives it their all. It may not save their marriage, but there's no program that would work 100%. But it takes someone that would say something like:

I'm devastated , I cry everyday , I'm like a zombie emotionless and then just tears.

To a person capable of healthy interaction and relationships. You're fooling yourself if you thought following a specific set of work instructions would guarantee your marriage would be reborn.

But I think you're selling yourself short by giving up and saying "it's over". But that's just my opinion.

[Aj8]

Azzork, I've definitely come far from that quote of devastation and being a "zombie," that's human nature though, I don't know if DB or GAL made me somewhat normal again or just how human nature copes with tragedy, I am going through the normal signs and recovery of it--doesn't mean GAL or DB contributed to it. Also, I'm not saying it's over, just that I have seen no movement on her end at all to signify, that in the long term, it could work. I also think this method doesn't work for every marriage saving attempt--as each individual and marriage is different.

[Aj8]

Maybe before she filed, if I tried to talk to her, sent her birthday messages, went over to her moms to see her, it could've been different, than me just detaching...one will never know.

[Aj8]

So today get a text from wife, that's she's coming to get the final things from our apt., including the cats. Haven't had a conversation with her since late May, she really has moved on . Anyway, since I will probably never hear from her again or see her, should I at least write a letter, not begging for her back or anything, but to let her know I love her, understand her decision, apologize for things I said, and say my final goodbyes?

I ask because the way things have played out so far in these 3+ months, once she's moved out her things fully, there is nothing left that attaches us together.

[rd500]

Hi Aj8. Not a. Et or anyway close My opinion is no. Your W knows how you feel and the letter will not change anything The no contact over the last few months is in reality a very short time. These situations can take years so maybe your expecting too much , too soon

Just my pennies worth

Take care. Rd

[Aj8]

Hi Aj8. Not a. Et or anyway close My opinion is no. Your W knows how you feel and the letter will not change anything The no contact over the last few months is in reality a very short time. These situations can take years so maybe your expecting too much , too soon

Just my pennies worth

Take care. Rd

Hi Rd, thanks for the advice, I'm torn because I don't know how she knows how I feel anymore we haven't had a conversation in months and the way I've detached too, and haven't spoken to her or attempted to , I wonder if she thinks maybe I don't want the marriage to work either ?

[asitis]

You're projecting about a future that you don't know about and then thinking about what action you should take to keep the thread of hope alive. Your wife has filed. I don't see any mention of D being finalized. Maybe your W needs to feel like she has full control and full separation from you before she reinitiates any contact? Again, you don't know. You also don't know if you will never see her again or have contact with her again, etc. That's just projecting. She probably is still very angry (given the no contact & the moving ahead w/ the D it's a good bet). If that is the case, just letting the dust settle is best. You can always write that letter later after giving that some time. She's still not wanting pursuit, and your letter will probably feel like pursuit.

And, you are also assuming she has really moved on. If she really had, she wouldn't have given you the silent treatment. It wouldn't be that big a deal to her, and she'd likely want to check in. If she is still in pain, angry, etc., then she is still focused on you, just not in a way that allows for any connection. If she is pushing the D, she is probably hoping that severing that last thread will make her pain go away. It won't, but she has to learn that herself. Then she has to decide what she wants to do with that reality. So, is it over? Good chance. But you don't know.

Then the question becomes what to do about that? DBing isn't just about saving Ms, but about helping heal relationships. You clearly still care and still want hope, so keep DBing. She may never see this, but we only get to make decisions for ourselves.

If you really feel the need, write the letter, then stick it in a box that you will hold onto for a predetermined period of time. At that time, if you still want to send that letter, do it.

Just my 2 cents. In the mean time, I really am sorry for all the pain you must be going through and how hard things are. Not the way any of us want the story to go.

Hang in there.