NTGvUp, he is a WH, treat him like a dog that pee'd on the floor, rub his nose in what he is doing. I would tell the kids, his parents, his friends, everyone.
There are other books that preach this approach, but DB is not one of them. In DB terms, an affair is a symptom of marital problems, not the cause. Something happened in the M that drove the WAS into someone else's arms, and THAT is what the LBS needs to focus on. Make yourself the better option. If you focus on the affair and dump all your attention there it prevents you from doing the hard work on yourself that might save your M.
You cannot shame a WAS into returning. All it does is drive them farther into the arms of OP, because they feel that is their only safe haven. Obviously there should be boundaries, we've had plenty of LBS's here who had a WAS engaging in an affair and we typically tell them not to be a doormat. IE, don't cook for them, clean their clothes, run errands for them all while they're having an affair with someone else. But there is a huge difference between setting boundaries and trying to shame them by telling others that they're having an affair. All that does is create anger and resentment.
