Signing the Big D - What to do Next?

[AnotherStander]

Hi Pink! I've got to say, in reading your xMIL's comments I think she is spot on in so many ways. She actually sounds like a pretty smart cookie. I apologize for not knowing your entire story, one of these days I'll try to play catch up on the sitches I missed during my hiatus from here. Do you know if your H is an MLCer or WAH? Her comments kind of indicate MLCer to me. The biggest difference is an MLCer can be stuck in the fog for much, much longer than a WAH. It usually takes years for them to recover.

She said that XH is confused and feeling really miserable.

This is very typical. But the LBS is usually so caught up in their own pain and anguish that it's hard to see it, and the WAS tends to put up a cold, hard façade that makes them seem uncaring and unfeeling. But usually inside is a raging storm of confusion, and there is no question that they're hurting. They are constantly second-guessing their actions in tearing the family apart. They know they're hurting everyone around them and they are miserable because of it. There's a whole lot going in there that we never see. DB tries to get to the root of this and teach the WAS to have compassion towards the WAS and what they're going through, but admittedly it's very difficult for most of us.

I told her that it is very painful for me to realize that he is willing to be miserable, ruin himself financially, all this to just get rid of me.

But it's not about you, not at all. ESPECIALLY if he's in MLC. His problems are internal, but he is blaming you for them. This is what WAS's do. Some of the blame is probably true and some of it complete BS. It's how they justify their actions.

She said that things are not exactly the way I am thinking and that XH does not think like that.

I think she has a lot of insight into his turmoil. She's exactly right, what the WAS is really thinking is not at all what the LBS thinks it is.

She said that if XH comes back that I should not open the door for him ant take him back with my arms open. She said that if possible that I should tell him that there won't be a reconciliation unless he goes to counseling.

Good grief, I want to give this woman a trophy! I'm starting to wonder if she's on these forums, LOL!

I told her that I really do not know where my heart will be in a few months from now, but I do not want to live my life with the illusion that someone will love me again.

This is possibly the biggest heartbreak of all to me. The WAS almost always eventually wants to reconcile, but inevitably it takes soooooooo long for them to get to that point that the LBS has moved on and doesn't want a part of it. We've had a few WAS's that have posted on these forums who became the LBS after their LBS moved on. When I went through my separation and started talking to people I know about their own separations and divorces, I was shocked to find that almost every one of them was eventually approached by their ex with an attempt at reconciliation. I think that's the one thing that DB really falls short on, it gives the impression a marriage can be healed in weeks or months but it typically takes several years. Anyway please don't take that as personal criticism, we all have to do what we need to do to protect ourselves and our hearts. It is risky taking a WAS back when you know it could just happen all over again, who would want to go through this twice?

WHY DID SHE SAY ALL THIS TO ME, RIGHT AFTER THE D?

Because your XH is saying it to her. Sometimes a big move like D can suddenly snap the WAS/ MLCer out of their fog. When they have that D paper in their hands and discover they're not relieved and happy like they thought they would be, then they start wondering if it was so wise after all.

What is the point in all of this? What is really going on with XH?

Hopefully if you've learned anything from these forums it's that the WAS is in extreme turmoil. S doesn't end it. D doesn't end it. An affair doesn't end it. But sometimes they have to go through all 3 before they realize they have to fix what's inside, not outside. And that journey of self-discovery can be very long and painful. He may be starting it, but if so it could take him many months to sort it all out. So you're taking the right approach, just keep working on you and leave him to it. But do think about possible reconciliation, if you want to stand for him or not if it should eventually come to that. You can stand while still being independent and focusing on yourself.