Sit and spin V

[HeavyD]

PT33

I am glad to know (but also not glad) that you feel the same way about it. I am just tired of getting judged.

I have realistically thought well, maybe this is how the rest of my life is going to be. Just me. Gulp. That's scary and sad but if it is meant to be then it is.

For me, I have started smiling a lot more at pretty much everyone, saying hello to everyone I meet, introduce myself, look people in the eyes, ask them how they are doing (job capacity) and ask them if I can assist (in my job capacity). I am trying so hard to have a PMA because I know it projects positivity and confidence and theoretically that projection will draw positive people to me.

But in the meantime, it is me, myself and I.

My W has radically overhauled herself, has her new apartment, new hairdo and color, new furniture, has a new life, new office and I am still in my "old" life. It feels like judgment from her too, "look at Heavy, she just can't let go". My values are the same, my integrity is the same, I know my kids like the comfort of home and their rooms and their stuff, but such a critical element is missing.

Is this the she has "grown" and I have not syndrome? I know feelings are just feelings and they aren't always the truth and we can control our feelings. I truly get all of that. But it still just hurts.

[Wonka]

Heavy,

I would go with text option #1...it is written well.

As for your observations of W overhauling herself while you seemingly stay stuck, you need to remember that the MLCer mind is not a pleasant place to be. All of the external changes are just that...cosmetic. Has she done any internal work on self-actualization? Nope. She's the one who's stuck.

You on the other hand have grown tremendously with IC, DBing work, and introspection. That is the true growth. Not a new apt. Not new office. All of those are temporal.

[HeavyD]

Wonka

I have no idea what she has done internally - my guess is nothing as she feels nothing is wrong with her.

So how come if I have done all this work and continue to do this work I just exist, I am lost in space... I just float along...waiting for something to happen....

[asitis]

I'm feeling the blahs too and feeling a bit too isolated right now. Partly the time of year (everyone's off getting the last bit of summer in). I've often wished I had some friends around who weren't married w/ kids who I could just call up & say let's go do something. Despite all my GAL activities, it always is doing things with a group & few people to just call on a moment's notice to hang out with when you need the connection & a bit of distraction.

Good luck on your blahs.

[Vanilla]

If you can't find the album, "WW where do think the album is?"

Heavy it sounds like the authentic HeavyD hasn't emerged yet. HeavyD is reluctant to be HeavyD!

I can see some big changes, there is nothing absolutely nothing but wonderful, kind, generous, warm and loving traits in HeavyD. I really want HeavyD to see that loyalty, empathy, hard work and intelligence are valuable assets. In life's measure these weigh heavy as attributes.

So, you aren't the most outgoing person in your city, you prefer a committed loving relationship to transient interactions. All seems good to me and authentic for HeavyD.

Being alone is not loneliness. Loneliness is needing another to complete you, you can be lonely in an R if that is your longing. No one can relieve loneliness but you for you, there is the presence of your higher power within you, I hear you speak with this voice in your posts. All it requires is for you to merge with this higher power to Chanel this through your spirit, you will never be lonely ever again and you will be one with that which is. You may be alone but you will never be lonely.

The connection is alright there, alive and waiting.

Peace

V

[asitis]

Wish we had like buttons on this forum! Good stuff V.

[HeavyD]

My God - you mean I've (soul, spirit or whatever it is) been there all this time? How did I not know this? How come nobody ever told me this in school? Why did I not read this in any book? Where was this message in church? or possibly it was there but I didn't "hear" it. Maybe I just could not hear it because I never felt like I was "enough".

I am crying now thinking about if the power was there all along, well then, here I am, and have always been, and will always be, me, the me who I am when I look in the mirror, the me who puts my kids to bed, the me who gets up and goes to work every day. Just me.

I will continue to ponder this amazing post V. You have really touched a nerve. Now I will work on activating the connection with me. I am not quite sure how to do that but again I will ponder this.

[Vanilla]

HeavyD

Know this, you are enough, more than enough.

V

[asitis]

Yes, we pile lots of cr*p on ourselves (and our society and parents help a lot), like not ever being quite good enough, or beliefs about the way the world should work that messes things up and triggers unproductive reactions when reality interjects itself.

Many people think they have to become new people to be that good enough person, but it really is peeling away the layers of gunk that get in the way of the good enough person we already are. As painful as our M problems are, they allow us to see some of those layers and give us the painful motivation to peel some or most of them away.

In following your threads, you've been doing a lot of peeling, and you are already a good enough H. Whether or not your W notices in another question, but don't doubt that. Are we perfect? Never. You will make mistakes in DBing and as an H and a parent, etc., etc. Great confirmation that you are human like the rest of us. You keep looking at peeling away layers of conditioning and unhealthy assumptions about yourself and others, but never see that as a sign that you aren't already good enough and that the real you is somehow flawed. Just show yourself some compassion when you aren't perfect, and notice all the good things you've already done to uncover that self.

[Vanilla]

I am going to recommend a book to you by Deepak Chopra it had an enormous influence on my thinking The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success. It's short and readable.

V