Difrent's Detachment - Attempts at It, Anyway

[DifRent]

Met with my Stephen Minister this morning, and as I was relaying the events of the past two weeks, a pattern emerged that she brought to my attention.

"She's really struggling with losing you right now, isn't she?"

And as much as I've been avoiding getting into her head, I thought about it and realized - we really are at the point predicted here by all good divorce busters where she's beginning to feel the impact of losing me. I hadn't seen it before, and it's not there all the time. But the phone calls, the wanting to talk, the missing me, the pained look on her face, the "I hope we can be friends one day" mantra...

Maybe I'm plan B for the future, or more likely it's that she wants to eat cake now. Again, not sure what it is about me that she doesn't want to lose, but if I had to compare what I have to offer with what the OW doesn't, she's missing a certain peace, stability, calm, lack of pressure, and spiritual grounding. I know these are things we shared, and things that simply aren't there with this new woman.

Also, I think I've made some strides over the past month that indicate I have a life she's missing out on. It doesn't begin to compare to her super busy and glamorous routine at the moment, where it will be a long time before things have the chance to burn out between them. But even today, when I came home long enough to shower and leave for an appointment, she just had to ask from the office upstairs, "You're leaving? Where are you going?"

"Where are you going?" That's been her most frequently asked question of me these past three months. Today, it took on a deeper meaning for me.

As my life calms down and hers continues to spin, well... it will all work out, no matter what happens. I know this, and the tight knots in my gut loosen just a bit each day.

[HeavyD]

This is good to read Dif

I am happy for you that you are detaching. This is important and yet something I struggle with. Maybe I will never be 100% detached but I can live with that. Maybe that goal is too high as I am connected to my W due to kids for the rest of my life. You are in that same situation too. Connected for life through the kids.

You are sounding stronger and more .... confident. I am very happy that you are indeed growing.

Keep up the good work my friend.

Heavy

[DifRent]

Hey Heavy,

I am doing a bit better... but not nearly 100% here, either. There was one day this week I broke down into tears over it all, just thinking about how immense my loss is. And the detachment isn't always there. A new restaurant with great reviews opened here in our neighborhood. My first thought is to ask if she wants to check it out. I wonder if she'll be here this weekend like she originally said, and I want to ask her to make us some Albanian pizza and enjoy it with wine on the porch... but honestly, is enjoying anything with her possible anymore? Could she make it through a whole slice of pizza without texting OW?

I'd like to test it and see for myself, see if I can be detached and get through a whole meal without an argument or debate. I'd like to see if I can leave her with a taste of what she misses about me. But I can't keep thinking about it, or her, or about days that are gone and we'll never get back.

(As for the kids... you know the OW has coached my W to see them as her "tenants," not her stepchildren. I'm also trying not to think too much of that woman, but man... she is doing her damnedest to bust up this family in every possible way...)

I appreciate your kind words, and wish that each day gets a little bit brighter for you.

Dif

[PigPen]

"Where are you going?"

That is some real insight Dif isn't it? She's asking the real question now, not the superficial one. How powerful for you to recognize this and have it with you.

Stay strong Dif, it's clear in your writing how much pain you are still in. I'm sorry for that, I know it (censored) royally. Keep trusting yourself, your heart, and the DB process. Your W is going to come out of her fog at some point and all the growth you've done in the meantime will be even more apparent to you.

Big hug,

PP

[Wonka]

Diff,

Brrrrr......the OW is sure a cold fish. I hate her!!

(As for the kids... you know the OW has coached my W to see them as her "tenants," not her stepchildren. I'm also trying not to think too much of that woman, but man... she is doing her damnedest to bust up this family in every possible way...)

I would have thrown a truth dart to W on this with this comment:

Oh...brrrr...that's cold. Reducing our children to mere "tenants"?? What kind of person says that?

roll your eyes and walk away

[DifRent]

Thanks for the affirmation, Wonka. I had dinner tonight with some friends, a married and committed lesbian couple, one of whom was the attorney who prepared all our wills, POAs, etc... all the documents that protected and looked out for us. (She is no longer practicing.) I hadn't told them much of anything to this point, but they immediately invited me over for dinner when I told them my W had left me for the OW. I didn't have to get far into the facts of our story for the former attorney's partner to say, "She's a predator."

I hadn't even used the word to that point!

But I'll tell you what... it's so affirming to hear you, Heavy, Cali, PigPen, Fogg, Bob, Matt (when he was here) and so many people in my real world agree so quickly that this woman is such bad news. It's good, because my W has put herself in a place where she can't see reality at all, and talks as if I'm the crazy one. Without a network of support, I could let myself come to believe her.

You all are my wellspring of sanity. I cannot thank you enough.

[DifRent]

Today was, I have to say, probably the best day I've had since the BD.

I woke up with this sense that, no matter what, all will be well.

I made a pitcher of green smoothie, started some laundry, cleaned the house like I haven't in ages.

Took a shower and packed a bag, then - not knowing or caring whether my WW was coming home for the weekend like she said she would, then said she wouldn't, then said she might - took a two hour drive east to visit a tiny home that I'd seen advertised online. The drive was absolutely perfect... in my convertible, just amazingly non humid, pleasant weather on back roads. I decided to just soak up the minutes and the joy of the moment. The house was cool, but the drive was better.

Then I drove three hours southwest to get to my mom's, and we had a great dinner, good time on the porch drinking wine and Skyping with a mutual friend, and in the midst of it, I had a brief conversation on the phone with my W about one of our properties. She wanted to know if I was home. So I guess she isn't, either. "Things are so busy," she said.

I couldn't have cared less. In bed now, thankful for a day where I was imagining a future instead of dwelling on what I've lost from the past. All will be well... for me, and for all of you.

[Azzork]

Said this to photo earlier:

It's like emerging from a dark tunnel into a brightly lit field of flowers, huh?

[V2pt0]

Glad to hear you had a great day!! May there be many more to come. Enjoy the rest of your weekend.

[PigPen]

SO Awesome!!

I think you hit the nail on the recovery head. When we spend more time imagining all of the beautiful possibilities of the future rather than dwell on the pain that the past brings us. It's an odd feeling for sure. I keep wondering why I'm doing ok, and then realizing I'm making plans.

Then I'll have a me more hit me and bam down for the count. Those days have to be getting further from us though. I know they come in waves, but it feels good just to have a reprieve.

Congrats on all of the work you've down to get to today Dif.

Big hug,
PP