This can't be over, not now. Not when I'm finally listening, I'm finally getting it!
STOP. You DON'T get it. And you HAVEN'T changed.
Like many addicts, you want what you want when you want it, are an expert at manipulation, rationalization, blame, and avoiding consequences.
If you really got it you'd accept the consequences of your actions.
If you really got it you'd stop trying to control WAW's behavior.
If you really got it you'd understand why WAW is leaving (rather then trying to blame her for giving up now that you've "changed")
If you really got it you'd be extremely humble right now, and would be hesitant to want to be too close to WAW because you've already hurt her so much and you don't want to hurt her anymore. You'd be considering that maybe she would be better off without you. Instead you're so determined to get what you want you are willing to pretend you're a new man and risk destroying someone you insist you care about.
Listen Dys, I have dealt with plenty of addiction in my life. I know all the games. Right now you ARE still playing them. I believe you don't want to anymore, but you've played these games for so long that you don't even know what to do.
I'll tell you- don't do anything. Just live days, breathe, and suffer through some tough emotions. You're in NO position to take drastic action, whether they be proclamations to WAW, power plays, legal action, etc, etc. Just sit quietly and acclimate to the situation you're in. Your brain will be screaming at you to do something, anything, to change the way you feel. Running from feelings will just get you in the future what you've had in the past. My IC reminds me feelings don't kill you, you won't melt, you won't die. Man up and get through.
For now just post, read, and get some IC. Celebrate each day you can do this, and know that in 100 days you'll feel differently for the rest of your life if you are strong enough to stay on this road.
I have changed. I haven't shown my manipulative ways in 2 years. I've been clean for a long(ish) time. I've never been much of a manipulator. I'm just trying to say that I haven't been that drunk addict in a long time. However, I am still not the man she married. I have to admit to that. I was outgoing, social, fun.
Since I've been clean, I've changed. Not in a great way either. I never wanted to leave the house, I promised and promised that I would get a job, stop being a lazy bum and I didn't change. So you're right in that regard.
Hindsight...I see all the signs now. It was coming. I was blind to it. But since this happened, I've tried with every fiber of my being to transform myself back into that man she fell in love with. It'll take time, I know. I need the time as well. She was feeling so much, so often and for so long, I can't expect her to change overnight. It's going to be a long, long road.
