I could see her wavering in the beginning, but blew a couple of good chances because I couldn't stop myself from responding to the crazy logic, "you did this, not him", "I have nothing to be guilty about", "We were probably never really in love and shouldn't have gotten married 10 years ago". etc.
I memorized many of Sandi's rules and they really helped me through times like that. Don't believe anything she says and only half of what she does. The stuff that is coming out of her mouth are projectiles out of the storm that's swirling inside her head, you've just got to listen and validate and try not to take it personally.
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Since then, I have learned and been trying to validate, listen, not call, not text, etc. Occasionally we will have a really good talk and there is a backslide the next day as if she caught herself being vulnerable.
I'm not sure if 25 still posts here, but she used to say "applaud the 1%" all the time, and it is fantastic advice. WAS's (and especially MLCers) will rant, rave, scream, argue, cry 99% of the time. Then there will be glimmers of goodness. So what do you do? Applaud the 1%! Thank them, praise them for that 1%! Because if you do, then they'll make it 2%. And 3, and so on. You are absolutely right, she IS catching herself being vulnerable and she's re-tracing her steps. So it's your job to make her feel comfortable either way, so you act like it's no big deal when she backslides. Don't ask her why, don't point out that she was doing so well, etc. Just accept it for what it is- temporary.
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However, the overall process is very slowly getting better.
GOOD! This is the best you can hope for- baby steps. She will not change her mind overnight, it's a long, slow process.
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I am not sure just how far to detach. I know she is not seeing him, but I suspect she calls or texts him on rare occasions.
Don't sweat whether there's an OM or not. There's nothing you can do about it. Is she texting him? Has she seen him? Are they having sex? You'll only drive yourself crazy and drive her farther away. OM is a symptom, not the problem. Focus on what you CAN do something about- YOU.
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But then she gets frustrated and says she only has one shot at being happy and how will she know it won't just be settling?
That's sooooo typical. Love is what we put into it. She'll be as happy as she invests herself to be. But like most WAS's, she thinks love is a like a rock sitting on the ground, she just needs to look for it and find it and pick it up and she'll have it. Often it takes an EA or PA for them to realize their demons are following them around from one relationship to the next, and it's not until then that they might look inward and start addressing the real issues.
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We went from her not talking to me at all and not being able to look at me to us being friendly now and interacting a little more.
That is really good progress!
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I try to stay detached, but occasionally we will do something with our child or will sit together to eat and start a conversation.
Nothing wrong with that at all. "Detaching" doesn't mean "ignoring".
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The hardest part is just validating when she goes to full on negative mode, "you never listened", "we have nothing in common", "I don't think I could fall in love with you again".
You are right, it is damned hard. We men are hardwired to explain/ reason/ justify/ defend while women are natural validators. But the more you do it the easier it gets.
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In our positive moments she will refer to, "I want to hear you say that again, I think you had a breakthrough" and "That was the kindest thing you have said to me. What I wouldn't have given to have heard that from you 2 years ago".
Then you are clearly on the right path. You just have to stick with it until she believes your changes are real. She thinks they're just tricks right now. Give it time, you're doing well
