Summer of Growth and Acceptance - Part 2

[Painter]

BT,

I almost feel like you go from one end of the spectrum to the other on this issue... Yes, maybe it was not good to take so much control over the finances early, but now, H getting a CC in secret - that would have me very concerned, since you will be equally responsible for this debt. It doesn't matter if you separate finances, you will still be legally liable.

This would be a problem for me.

[V2pt0]

So what would you do if you were in my position?

[Painter]

I don't know... It's a very tricky situation! Depends on a few things, I guess, like what the credit limit on the card is. If it was low, I would probably let it go.

I would probably bring up at some point with H that since we're both liable for all debt incurred by the other person, even if it's just in one person's name, there needs to be transparency and trust on both sides. But the timing would have to be chosen very carefully... Sometimes I'm indirect with H on difficult issues, I'll mention a similar situation and leave it to him to see the similarity with ours.

[job]

How did you discover he had a new credit card?

Have you done a recent credit report? You might want to do that before you have a conversation w/him about the new card. Generally credit reports will give you how much you owe and the limit on them. Try Credit Karma.com and it's free.

If the conversation were to come up, you could always say that you ran a credit report to see how your credit score was doing and then mention that there is a new card on the report and wanted to ask him about it before notifying one of the agencies that have the reports that it's false information and need to have it corrected.

[V2pt0]

Sorry, I should clarify. He tried to open a cc. I found out because the cc company called our home number to verify that the app was not fraudulent app. That is how I found out. I shared msg with H and that is when he explained why he applied for one. It was never approved because he did not get back to the fraud department in time. Because he has been travelling for work, he has not had time to reapply. I have checked credit report and nothing shows up for me, so he must have applied in his name only.

He will be applying again.

[Painter]

If this was me, I would probably wait until I felt like we were having a good day and H seemed receptive, then I would say something about that I feel it is important that we both were very mindful of each other in this difficult situation, and avoid anything that could cause increased conflict or distrust, because regardless what happens with the two of us in the future, there are a lot of things we will have to work out, and it's important to keep open communication about any business items to not create an adversarial climate.

And then - VERY IMPORTANT - I would drop it and not say anything else. Regardless what H said. They hear it, even if they throw a fit, but if you just say, 'I understand' or 'Uh-huh', you won't escalate it.

[V2pt0]

Going to hold off on saying anything for now.

Thursday night I had impromptu drinks on a friend's patio. Last night went out to eat and then came home and read. The Codependency book does mirror much of what we learn in the DB process when it talks about the healing process. Detach, set boundries, and work on ourselves. I am up to the independent chapter.I have always been codependent I think, though a bit milder than my H. I think my H was actually more so up to BD and then we seemed to have switched roles. Any way, I feel like I am learning a bit from the book. The more I think about it, it many ways, my H seems to be DBing. He has certainly mastered detaching from me, but only to attach other things. Maybe that As are a key way for codependentthink to cope.

So how is my GAL and 2.0 work? Yesterday, I signed up for a color pencil art class for the fall. I think it is 6 classes, so really looking forward to that. Signed up to volunteer for a local arts non-profit, and will be applying for a city arts committee position. GAL for this weekend is primarily solo, which is fine. I am getting beautified today, daily walks, and maybe a run.

As far as my H. Not a peep. He arrived back from his week long biz trip yesterday, but never came home. Still a little bit upsetting, but not nearly as bad as before. I think I have maybe seen him a handful of days over the past 6 weeks already and I am gone M-F next week for work. His loss.

Off for my morning walk....maybe one more cup of joe first.

[V2pt0]

Question...I know if there is active A you should stop doing things for S. If you cook a nice dinner for yourself and they ask if they can have some, is it ok to say yes? Seems rude to say no. But, at same time WTF!

How would you respond?

[Elly4]

I would say yes to keep being the lighthouse. You're showing him that you are the best you can be.

Just my two bits.

[V2pt0]

Just had nice interaction with H. Realizing that when I initiate conversation and ask questions, H really engages. Earlier this evening, I stayed a bit more aloof but friendly, and he did not really seem like he wanted to chat and was a bit standoffish. I feel like I shouldn't be initating the convos, but we just ended up chatting for an hour because I did. I guess I will keep rolling with it and see how it goes.