Ok .. journaling a bit .... ironically it does tie in with the above.
So, yeah .... I have alot to accept and I am processing all this slowly. I think its one thing to try and stand for your M and do what it takes for that to happen, then as you really do the work on yourself there are things you might have accepted in the old M but in retrospect you see the bigger issues that stemmed from those small things.
This week has been a frustrating one for me, the anger cycle has arrived and I am trying to deal with that the best I can, maybe just purging it here will help me move past it because as of this moment I have been stuck here all week and things have just slowly added to it .. not the other way around like I would have preferred.
One of the old M issues was the Sexless/Loveless M. Something I have voiced with W .. and maybe the past few weeks a bit more than I should, not pursuing for affection, but I still think its pursuit regardless just by voicing my feelings. Going into this I accepted W had medical issues and the sex thing was not on the table at that time, ... MLC, OM and poof she is miraculously healed ... that sting is still there, logically I get it ... emotionally I have not got over that one yet. So as we try working through the intimacy issues ... W is just not a physical type person, she does not need touch to feel loved .. I do but I am not getting that....still. I am not going to bring it up, my personal goal ... not going to pursue nor initiate for the rest of this month (As per SSM by MWD)
Adding to this frustration, Tuesday I had set up an appt with my new Dr (Insurance change) ... As W and I have discussed . when we do actually 'go there' she does not want to pass on the STD to me ... nor do I want that 'gift' OM has left us with for the rest of our married lives. Yeah ... I am not over THAT one either ... though I have not said a peep to W about it, as I realize what is done is done ... again Logic and Emotions .. 2 opposing forces for me. Anyways I had to get RETESTED ... full STD screen though I assured new Dr nothing to worry about since my last one. That irked me .... results back and yeah .. all good. But to try to increase my chances of not contracting I have to take these 2 blue horse pills everyday. (Not the blue pills you would think) .... in my mind its like taking an OM pill ... something new I have to get over. I do question though ... I have to take these twice a day for what? ... a mistake W made, and so far its really not even something we share .. nor have in ... brace yourselves .. .4 1/2 years. However she has been active for the past ... almost 2. I know ... 2x4 me ... these are things I need to get over. I feel like I have been better, but there are set backs that put me in this mindset. This set back came this morning. A few days ago W cleaned out 'our' dresser that she had all her stuff in, gave me 3 drawers as well as some room in the closet, making room for me... something I thought was nice of her. I get dressed this morning, casual day so I grab a shirt out of the drawer ... WTF ... NOT MY SHIRT. Not sure where it came from, I assume ... yes assume its OM's ... W goes super defensive as is her nature and claims it must have been in with my stuff because of all the times I went to the laundromat .... ummm . no ... sorry. Not that I think its recent, I do believe it was left there several months ago ... but still pissed me off.
Driving into work, not totally thrilled .. not toss in the towel upset but ... not happy. I started thinking. Is this really what I want? I realize I need to give her time to sort things out, to do the work .. heck took me almost 2 years to get 'here' ... but I had the opportunity to do that while being alone. I guess I am not sure if she will make the changes that I feel I need in order to be in a M that I can accept ... and its not even about the A, the STD or all the destruction that left even though I am still trying to get past that stuff ... its just the day to day interactions, the closeness and intimacy ... maybe I am doing some things wrong... struggling from switching gears of DB and piecing .... just thinking aloud here.
We have our Post session on conflict management tomorrow ... maybe this will shed some light on things.
