Answer to: "why didn't you hear it from ME?"

[Flight]

Ok, Had been having issues on and off for a year or so. Had a meeting to go over our goals and what we wanted from each other to get back on track. Unknown to me at the time was that someone at work was working on her. She may have been exploring her options then. We went on a long trip a month later and had two arguments over the same old stuff. Got back and her behavior was noticiably different. Completely pulled away from me and I saw her hiding her phone, etc. I asked her about it and she denied it. Within a couple of weeks through greater effort, I found undeniable evidence of an EA. I confronted her and told her it had to stop. This was 7 months ago. Within 2 weeks of the BD, when the EA was in full bloom, she asked for a separation. I agreed to an in house separation and that is where we stand now.

I made all the usual mistakes the first couple of months and pushed her further away, spying, confronting, arguing. I could see her wavering in the beginning, but blew a couple of good chances because I couldn't stop myself from responding to the crazy logic, "you did this, not him", "I have nothing to be guilty about", "We were probably never really in love and shouldn't have gotten married 10 years ago". etc.

Since then, I have learned and been trying to validate, listen, not call, not text, etc. Occasionally we will have a really good talk and there is a backslide the next day as if she caught herself being vulnerable. However, the overall process is very slowly getting better. I am not sure just how far to detach. I know she is not seeing him, but I suspect she calls or texts him on rare occasions. They no longer work at the same company. She talks like she knows the grass isn't necessarily greener and it might not be love, but she admitted she was drawn to the possibility, to "find out for myself".

When she does bring up our M, we talk and she often repeats the same blame shifting and reinventing the history of the relationship, but it is like she is working it out in her head. She certainly has some legitimate complaints and I know she would need to see my change or we would just be back in the same boat. I believe one person can institute the first changes until the other partner is ready. She says she is getting input from others to work on us and she prays about it. But then she gets frustrated and says she only has one shot at being happy and how will she know it won't just be settling? "I need to live my life and not pay attention to what society thinks"

We went from her not talking to me at all and not being able to look at me to us being friendly now and interacting a little more. I try to stay detached, but occasionally we will do something with our child or will sit together to eat and start a conversation. I have gotten better and better at logging what works and doesn't work and following the things that work. The hardest part is just validating when she goes to full on negative mode, "you never listened", "we have nothing in common", "I don't think I could fall in love with you again".

In our positive moments she will refer to, "I want to hear you say that again, I think you had a breakthrough" and "That was the kindest thing you have said to me. What I wouldn't have given to have heard that from you 2 years ago".

Re-reading your tips and going back to DR to internalize the most important parts.