Answer to: "why didn't you hear it from ME?"

[AnotherStander]

There is something profound if I can understand the hurt behind this question and know how to answer it.

Seek to understand and validate her feelings, NOT to answer. She doesn't want you to answer. She wants you to understand her hurt. You mentioned you read DB, did you read the info on validating? That's what you need to learn to do and become a master at.

"Why didn't you listen to ME when *I* tried to tell you what I needed? Why only when you read something or heard it from someone else did you decide to change?", and "I am your wife, why didn't you hear what I was saying. I was telling you what I needed, you didn't have to find it in a book?"

Your response should be something that invites her to share her feelings, like "I didn't listen to you and it clearly hurt you, you sound angry and frustrated, is that how it makes you feel?"

She might respond with something like "I'm not angry, but I am very hurt and frustrated that you never listened to me."

So of course you WANT to say "oh but I've changed! I'll never do it again! I'm listening to you now!" NOOOOOO that is the WRONG response. Do not explain/ reason/ justify/ agree/ disagree. Always seek to validate- "you are hurt and frustrated, I can certainly see why you feel that way, you've gone through a lot and I apologize."

I get variations of this question and some anger implying that I purposely was not giving her what she wanted. It is frustrating because it is all or nothing thinking just like "why are you changing now, why didn't you change when I asked you to?".

Have you read Sandi's rules? WAS's always speak in absolutes. But here's the thing- if you were a perfect husband you wouldn't be here (none of us would if we were perfect). So seek to understand what you did wrong and change those things about yourself.

Instead it is judged as being too little too late or not good enough because you learned it from a book instead of from your spouse.

Did you read the part of DR that says not to let your spouse know you're reading it? Above is the reason why. It looks to your spouse like you're using "tricks" to try and get her back.

But there must be an answer she is still looking to hear from me.

RIGHT NOW she doesn't want anything from you. Read Sandi's thread here for perspective from a former WAW of what a WAW is thinking and going through:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2593214#Post2593214

You're in a marathon. I remember saying the exact same things as you when my sitch started, I wanted to know what to say and do to "fix" things. I wanted a step-by-step process to follow. There is none. All you can do is work on yourself and give your W time and space and hope that eventually she starts falling for the new, changed you.

I have read DB an DR and been at this for 7 months now.

Please give us some background. When was BD? How did it come about? You living together or separate? What transpired before, during and after BD?

Going to sound like a junkie, but paid $400 for another course and bought some materials from someone else and listen to his awesome free podcasts.

Be careful not to mix approaches. Pick one and stick with it, otherwise it'll just lead to confusion and an inconsistent approach.

What I am lacking is more of the exact steps to follow kind of thing

LOL! Ah, wouldn't we all like that. DB is as close as you'll get to "steps". Make changes to yourself while giving your W time and space. REMOVE ALL PRESSURE. That means no temperature checks, no dates, no constant phone calls and texts throughout the day, no following her around the house, no falling all over yourself trying to cook and clean, etc. etc. etc. Give her time to see your changes and believe them. At first she'll think you're just trying every trick you can to get her back after which things will go right back to what they were. As hard as this may be to accept, your M is over. There's no going back. Your goal is to become the "spouse only a fool would leave" and when if and when your W is ready, build a NEW relationship with her.

Any answer I have would sound defending, "I was trying and kept asking you and reading until the light bulb went off".

Exactly, that's because you're trying to reason/ negotiate/ explain instead of validate. Brush up on that validation and quit trying to explain yourself. Her feelings are TRUE and REAL to her, you can't talk her out of her feelings. Seek to UNDERSTAND her feelings. Validate them. It won't change her mind, but it's the first step that could lead to her eventually changing her mind.

EDIT TO ADD: Wonka has a great sticky that gives plenty of validation examples here:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...nt=8&page=1