Hey there, HH - Sorry you are going through all this. Welcome to the club nobody wants to join.
As to whether this is MLC or just a WAW - really doesn't matter. In your case, the symptoms are the same regardless.
She may be not well cut out for motherhood, and trying to escape. Or she may be unable to cope with your illness (rotten, I know, you'd hope you could count on your spouse to have your back when you're sick, but some of them just can't deal. Mine couldn't, and my thyroid disease was much less serious than your illness.)
(Speaking of your illness- please look up low dose naltrexone, an inexpensive and safe use of an old drug which has been shown in studies to help MS, Crohn's disease and fibromyalgia, and anecdotally may help other autoimmune conditions. Also, if it IS MS, just be aware that sometimes B12 deficiency can be mistaken for MS, make sure your B12 levels are above 400.)
So - for you - believe it or not, this is a fabulous opportunity for self-growth, regardless of how your marriage turns out. Some things to contemplate:
- what things can YOU work on about YOURSELF to make yourself a better partner? Bear in mind, this usually is not ABOUT the lBS, but none of us are perfect, and it's a great opportunity to take stock and fix the things we can.
- second, are there any objective medical reasons for your wife to go off the deep end? These are not common - the most common cause is plan old depression, and trying to fix it with the excitement of an affair - but on rare occasions, things like drug reactions (for example, certain Parkinson's drugs can cause compulsive gambling or sex addiction), gastric bypass (some people transfer their food addiction to sex or gambling after gastric bypass), head trauma, addictions or other conditions are a contributing factor. Does she have any health problems or take any medicines?
- third - focus on being the best dad you possibly can, and make each decision with them in mind.
- fourth - you've taken a hard-line stance with W (which is not necessarily wrong) but you must be willing to live with the consequences. I recommend that you see an attorney just for an initial consultation, to find out what you legal and financial situation would look like if you were to divorce. You may want to take steps now to protect yourself and your access to your children, just in case this does end up in divorce.
- fifth - if you want to go to marriage counseling and she has agreed to it, YOU make the appointments.
- sixth - what do you think her underlying issues are? What was her family of origin like? Was there illness or death in her family? And, if you're honest with yourself, was she a good spouse before all this began, or did she always have serious issues?
Some final advice: take the high road. Work on yourself. Take care of your health (stress is a killer - be sure to work some stress-relief into your schedule). Protect yourself financially. Ask yourself before you say anything:" will saying this get me closer to my goals?"
