Journaling

I must increase my GAL. This past week, I have worked, ran a few errands, gone home. I am working on a few house projects but it's been solo. I am so lonely and missing the "Connection".

I long for that connection and sense of intimacy with another. All of my friends (all 3 of them) tell me to get back out there. One told me to dress more provactivley at work. I'm sorry but that is just not me.

I feel I am being judged for being too much of a square. For me love, intimacy and connection was a sacred bond. I am not interested in hook up Apps, meeting random people to stave off lonliness. Another friend told me that poeple have intimacy to feel accepted. That was news to me.

Another friend who is married spends her days hooking up with people she meets on Apps. I asked her if she really thought this would bring her fulfillment. She believes it will. She has a husband and a small child at home. I was astounded that people do this.

When I do things with others, it's nice but I still feel alone. Recently I went to a musical with a friend but it felt like I was at the show alone, no one to make inside jokes with, no one to smile at. No connection.

Lonliness is an awful feeling. But trying to get back out there on my terms - with integrity and honesty and authenticity, that is really hard. I am a Mom and I feel thatmy behavior reflects on them. I am not using them as an excuse to not have a "good time". But to me a good time was home and family and family adventures.

Bleh. I feel stuck. I wish I didn't give a crap what people thought and was more social. For me that is really hard.


Was made a better person by DB'ers