I agree w/ Cali. You're just making it a power struggle rather than a cooperative partnership. Let her have the day for the church event. Wish them a great time. There will be times where you want the extra time for some specific similar activity. If you've established a pattern of flexibility and reasonableness, and not needing everything to be you get one, so I need to get one, you'll probably end up ahead.
Instead of worrying about the extra day & fuming over her response, just look for something extra fun to do when you get the kids back. My 2 cents.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
How I hope and pray that is true. I am so so glad it was for you and your W. If it could be true for me and my situation, I will go to my grave satisfied. If his lesson is necessary for me and W to learn, then bring it on. I am a good student.
Now if I could just be a 1/10 as wife and as patient as you. And yes, learning never stops until we die!
(If that is not 100% brownosing I don't know what is)
I have thought about it and answered accordingly. Yes, I was viewing it as a power struggle and that is clearly one of the reasons I am here.
I do so want to give up power struggles and find that balance between door mat and controlling asshat. I continue to experiement and learn regardless of the outcome.
Mainly I want to be a better woman, wife and mother, take life as it comes and let go of the rest. I don't think that is too much to ask.
We'll see.
I'm following along with your meditation, impressive!
My DB coach is working with me on turning negotiations into opportunities to show respect (ask what she thinks), cooperate (don't ask what she wants or say what I want, but ask what she thinks is best), and avoid leading myself into allies where it becomes about getting one's way or giving the other their way - power struggles). The usual listening and validating only take you so far, as how you frame something going in tends to lead toward power struggle or the more cooperative, affirming approach. There will be plenty that still ends up my wants vs. hers, but being conscious of limiting those going in has been really helpful to me.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
I too have found it helpful to say "What would you like to do?" and a recent example I used was "I think you made the right decision." and another was "It's your call".
I have backed waaayyy off any perception of control on my part and any conception of this situation being on "my timetable". First of all it is not in my control and second, it demonstrates that she is making her own decisions on what she thinks is best for her.
Based on her past complaints about my controlling nature, I have respected her wishes.
So I let w keep kids an extra day as she requested. Not a big deal.
The plan is for her to drop off kids Saturday morning. She texts and aske me for a photo album and other photos of her Mom"s.
I honestly have not seen these since she left me. I have no clue. She wants to pick them up Saturday when she drops kids off.
Is this text supposed to make me react? Meaning she knows this will upset me - finality of it all. Plus she asked on a Friday the day before. Just going through old photos right now is painful. Now I think at drop off she will come into the house to look for them herself which I do not want. She hasn't been in the house since she December and it was awful. I did not like how she plundered through the drawers like she still lived there.
Am I reading too much into this??
My draft text is
W - I will look for the photo albums but I honestly have not seen them. I will let you know if they turn up!
Or just bypass the issue and pick up kids from her place -
W - I will pick up kids Saturday morning. We have plans early so you won't need to drive over - lucky you!
I would go with the first text. You don't want them there anyway. I think if you bypass the issue it will keep coming up.
M: 32 W: 35 M 2 1/2 T 4 1/2 same sex couple W "unhappy" April 2015 D first asked for mid May 2015 2nd D end of June 2015 D papers in hand, just have to sign Start of piecing 8/20/15 A confirmed 1/2/15
As for the photo albums, no I don't want them. They are of her family but I honestly have not seen them. They may be there but I don't have the time or energy to look for them, especially for tomorrow!
It just feels like a button pushing to me. I need to DETACH more from the situation. Good Lord.
I must increase my GAL. This past week, I have worked, ran a few errands, gone home. I am working on a few house projects but it's been solo. I am so lonely and missing the "Connection".
I long for that connection and sense of intimacy with another. All of my friends (all 3 of them) tell me to get back out there. One told me to dress more provactivley at work. I'm sorry but that is just not me.
I feel I am being judged for being too much of a square. For me love, intimacy and connection was a sacred bond. I am not interested in hook up Apps, meeting random people to stave off lonliness. Another friend told me that poeple have intimacy to feel accepted. That was news to me.
Another friend who is married spends her days hooking up with people she meets on Apps. I asked her if she really thought this would bring her fulfillment. She believes it will. She has a husband and a small child at home. I was astounded that people do this.
When I do things with others, it's nice but I still feel alone. Recently I went to a musical with a friend but it felt like I was at the show alone, no one to make inside jokes with, no one to smile at. No connection.
Lonliness is an awful feeling. But trying to get back out there on my terms - with integrity and honesty and authenticity, that is really hard. I am a Mom and I feel thatmy behavior reflects on them. I am not using them as an excuse to not have a "good time". But to me a good time was home and family and family adventures.
Bleh. I feel stuck. I wish I didn't give a crap what people thought and was more social. For me that is really hard.
Wow I feel like I wrote this... exactly how I am and how I feel. Hooking up with someone will not bring back happiness, just distracts you for a few moments. I don't think what your one friend is doing is right, that is horrible.
You will get back out there, but in your own time. 19 years of marriage is a long time to move on from. I have only been married 3/together 5 and it feels like a huge period of my life. I feel so intertwined with my W, I can only imagine how you feel
M: 32 W: 35 M 2 1/2 T 4 1/2 same sex couple W "unhappy" April 2015 D first asked for mid May 2015 2nd D end of June 2015 D papers in hand, just have to sign Start of piecing 8/20/15 A confirmed 1/2/15
