Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
It has been so long I'm not quite sure where to start. Yes, mahhhty it was the "longest vacation ever!" We are both from the same very small town on Lake Superior and we bought property with an old trailer on it a few years ago. A friend of my dad's lives there when we are not there, pays a small amount of rent that pays taxes and incidentals and takes care of the place the 11 months we are not there. It is nice to be able to spend time in our home town and with family and friends, especially since my parents are getting older.
If you remember I was really looking forward to heading north and having some time away from H. I thought it would help me get a clearer head and have a fresh start. D17 and I headed up on July 1st and it was just us two until I picked up D13 on July 13th. Overall we had a great time and did some exploring. It is beautiful country that I certainly didn't appreciate when I was a kid. We got along for the most part but I really should start DBing my kids as well. I was told I was "so annoying" on several occasions! We took some day trips to scenic places in the area (waterfalls, state parks, apostle islands etc) and tried some new restaurants (one was on Diners, Drive-ins and Dives.) Of course spent time with friends and family as well.
We did continue our adventures once D13 arrived but she's more high maintenance so it wasn't quite as relaxing. lol.
H and I did have contact while I was there and right away I allowed myself to get all worked up. It was about money. I still get child support for S20 (a lot of back support due). Anyway, a check came the day I left. He let me know that it came and asked if he "should just keep it to take care of D13 for the next couple of weeks?" I ignored that question and responded to whatever else he asked. Then he asked about it again. I asked him if he could deposit it because I had bills (joint) that needed to be paid. He said he would be getting paid and would transfer me some money. And he did, but this just set me off. I pay all the household bills except the mortgage with the money he "gives" me, this is the way we've done it for the past 4-5 years. He bought a new vehicle which he added to the insurance which I pay, I buy the groceries that he eats, electric etc. I guess my point is this, he is not giving me money that I am spending on myself and out partying with...it's to take care of the house which he is living in and our kids. The fact that he wanted to keep my less than $300 check really pi$$ed me off...I did have D17 with me as well.
I could keep ranting about the money issue and maybe I will post later regarding it, but bottom line is that is a big issue, he feels because he was the one working it's "his money."
The money thing did stress me out on some days, I was off doing things and eating out with D17 (and eventually D13) thinking $hit, can I really afford this. I had saved some money knowing I was going to be on vacation for over a month but I allowed this interaction to really affect me negatively for too long. I even blocked him from my facebook so he couldn't see what I was doing or what I was spending money on because I was worried he would stop giving me money at all. Sigh...money really can be the root of evil.
Along with the money issue I just couldn't seem to stop thinking about H. I was doing a lot with D17 and friends and family but he was always on my mind. I wish H was here, it would be fun to do this with H, I wonder if H would like this. There were times that I thought "H wouldn't do that, maybe I'll meet someone who will and really enjoy life!" Yup, the idea of clearing my head was shot to hell! HAHAHAHA....I did still have a great time tho, don't get me wrong!
I was there for 22 days before H came. We did keep in contact every few days. He did a lot of the initiating, keeping me filled in on D13 while she was still with him and asking me about things at the house. I didn't always respond right away (we do have sketchy service but sometimes on purpose!) For example, he asked about something early afternoon on Friday and I didn't respond until late morning Saturday. We had some exchanges that afternoon and later that evening he asked me about something else, I didn't respond at all. I got a text from him Sunday night that said "WTF?" Guess he didn't like that I wasn't responsive, I finally replied close to noon on Monday, but I didn't answer the question he had asked, it was regarding something else I told him I would check on.
I had so much anxiety the 4-5 days before he got there, it was horrible. I was close to tears some days. Not knowing what to expect, not many people know our situation so I was worried about people asking questions knowing I don't really want everyone to know and all that comes with that. I didn't want to be on edge, worried about what I said or did or how I looked. Just a ton of anxiety, so much I wished I would have brought my xanax.
Every 5 years our town has a huge festival/reunion. All of my family(some I only see every 5 years) was going to be there as well as his (including his bro who lives in Europe). Lots to do, lots of people to see, lots of partying...
Our place there is a 3 bedroom with 2 double beds and a twin. We have a couple of air mattresses as well and of course the couches. He invited his brother (from Europe) as well as his Sister and her family (they live here and I see them frequently) to stay at our place so I spent too much time wondering where H was planning on sleeping...just a lot more anxiety than I wanted on my vacation.
H got in late Wed/early Thurs and slept in the room with the twin bed that night but slept with me the remainder of the time he was there...
more later, I promise!
Me-44 (45) H- 50 (51) M-'96
S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)
BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas) home Oct(sep rooms) (EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed) insists wants D through July 2015 no more talk of D since
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
So H got in to town the day my family was having a dinner. My mom cooked for 2 days. I told H about it but did not really invite him and honestly I didn't think he would come. I was right, he took off with his brother, which actually worked out great because when my mom and the girls asked I could just be honest and say he was hanging out with his brother.
The girls were hanging out with cousins and D13 wanted to get pants that H had brought for her so they went out to our place so she could change and came in and said they couldn't find H's suitcase, it was in the back room and wasn't anymore. I totally freaked out, and started playing all sorts of stuff in my head. Of course in the back of my mind I knew he could've put it in our room but assumed the girls looked. I went home to change before heading out and it was there. Lesson, don't let FEAR (future events already real) get the better of you.
We went out and we are all at the same bar and there is lots of people we haven't seen in years so we are all (H, me and our families) socializing. Each time he was going to get another beer he asked if I needed one and we did talk but weren't by each others side all night. An old friend of H's was introducing me to his new girlfriend and wasn't quite sure if I was H's "significant other or wife or what" H said wife. I asked him if he'd heard something different, he said no.
Later BIL and I were outside and I asked him what H was doing. He said he didn't want to get in the middle of it which I understand but asked him if H's house was ready (it is part of BIL's business). He laughed and said he!! no! I asked what he's going to do, live with me indefinitely, to which BIL responded again that he didn't want to get in the middle but he and SIL both have said (not to H but each other) that he needs to $hit or get off the pot. I commented that he's being an a$$hole and BIL agreed. Also mentioned that SIL was getting tickets to something and wanted to include me and the girls but BIL said that she can't keep including me in things because it's going to get awkward because H is divorcing me....
We all walked to a different bar and H and BIL/SIL ended up leaving earlier so it was just BIL (europe) and my brother still out. BIL kept saying that I need to get my passport and come visit...that was interesting because I was trying to determine if he knew anything about the sitch. Still have no idea.
Everyone who was going to stay at our place ended up staying at other BIL house because it was in town and our place is a few miles out. So as I went home I was wondering where H would be sleeping. Ok, more like stressing about it. I get home and H was in our bed. When I finally laid down, he gets up and goes out in the other room, comes back in lays down and ask if BIL/SIL were coming out. I said I had no idea (I knew they were already sleeping!). A few minutes later he comments "well, I guess I shouldn't sleep in here if they're not coming out." I replied "It's fine H." A few minutes after that he has his arm around me being "playful" I said "What are you doing H?" He rolls over and commented about me being right and he shouldn't do that. A few minutes later he rolls over again and one thing leads to another and we end up having sex.
Ok, there was a lot of drinking involved and I kept thinking "what the hell am I doing?" But, it had been 2 years for me so....
The next morning he got up, went outside and then came back in laid down and started talking. Not about what had happened, just about people the night before. I went to town to get coffee and ended up stopping at BIL's house, they were all out on the deck talking. H shows up a little later and I walked with him and 2 BILs to the coffee shop/car show. H bought his stuff and went outside, I got my coffee and left. Didn't really see him all day, he was doing his thing, I was doing mine.
That night there was a fundraiser/dance that we were at. We barely talked to each other, as a matter of fact he was talking to his brother and went up to them to ask BIL a question and he walked away. Hmmmm...later I see him talking to D17 and she was pointing at me and he made a point to come tell me he was going home. I again was wondering where he would be sleeping, and he always has his back for an excuse, but he was in our bed again...snoring.
I should mention that at some point he told me he saw SIL/BIL unpacking at his brother's before he went home on Thursday so he already knew they weren't staying at our place...yes I know I'm over analyzing everything!
Saturday a bunch from both families went to the parade together, I was a good DIL and brought a folding chair for his mother. He said they were going out to eat after and invited me to go. I declined because I had my class reunion. Again, both did our thing, missed each other at home too.
He went home a lot earlier than I did. When I went to bed he got up, went out in the kitchen and was out there for a while. He came back to bed, asked if I was still awake and we talked for a little while. Then, one thing lead to another, I initiated and we were intimate again.
This post is getting way long, but he was in town for two more days. Sunday both families ended up at my sister's bar (his brother's band was playing) and we were still doing our own thing but he was a bit more attentive. He was talking to his "first love," for quite awhile, she's a mess. Alcoholic and quite slutty and just rough, she was trying to pick him he told me later! haha...but even when he was talking to her he was making eye contact with me.
Monday we had a little BBQ with his mom and brothers and then he left early Tuesday morning...I was there another week.
So those of you know that know me know my mind was going non-stop trying to figure out what this all meant, what is he thinking, on and on. If it was a one time thing after a night of drinking ok, but it happened twice and the second time neither of us had much to drink. We didn't talk about it at all, either time. Not to say it was great or it shouldn't have happened....nothing!
What do I do moving forward? What's going to happen when I get home? UGH...June 24th we were having a conversation about splitting assets and a month later we're being intimate. I don't think you just change your mind like that.
Some thoughts from other people: -it's always a different feel when we're home, relaxed & fun, makes people more loving -he felt like he was getting shut out and didn't like it -he was home without me for 3 weeks and completely alone for over a week and missed me -he never had a 100% conviction, he was saying that he wanted a D but no actions toward D -a lot of his issues with me are no longer valid
So, obviously we had some positive interactions but I'm trying not to put the cart before the horse. Still have lots going thru my head.
This is probably enough (too much) information for now. Will pick up later with what happened after he left.
Me-44 (45) H- 50 (51) M-'96
S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)
BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas) home Oct(sep rooms) (EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed) insists wants D through July 2015 no more talk of D since
Im not experienced here just on for 2 mo now but I would say enjoy it for what it was.
I think you did the right thing by not talking about it. Let him mention it first if ever.
I wouldnt have expectations about it at this point. See what develops with the situation as it unfolds.
Personally I think having sex can be a good thing.. although if you read my posts ive been getting scolded for it. Haha.
Married 1991 D 32 GD 12 D 30 GD 3 S 29 M 58 S 57 1st bomb 2008 2nd bomb 4/2015 same person New bomb 09/24 I fear those big words which make us so unhappy.
I'm trying not to have expectations...really struggle with that and detachment but I continue to try.
H leaves early Tuesday morning. I sent him a quick text letting him know something happened at the house. He responded hours later when he got home. Had a brief conversation, he asked if I got money deposited and let me know that he transferred me some. BTW, A few days before he came he had transferred me about half of what he normally does and I was not very happy...the money thing again...when he came he brought 3 child support checks to me, he did not keep the one I was so upset about earlier.
No contact for a few days, I had tried to text him a pic of his sister but it didn't go thru (sketchy service). Saturday morning I get a call(missed) and text from him, he had been trying to get in touch with D13 for a few days, was wondering what was up. After telling him phones aren't working he continues to talk about the weather and I told him what had happened the night before with his sister and sent him a picture of his sister dancing on the bar. He asked if I was up there too and I joked about it. Then I get this:
H: So why did you take advantage of me? H: Twice? Me: I took advantage of you? Me: Hmmmm.....interesting way to put it H: Haha
And that was it. He was just messing around but he's not going to avoid it.
We had another exchange Sunday (practical stuff) and Monday I texted him about our flight information (he had the info)
Me:ok...thx...you're picking us up right? H: No...I thought you already arranged a ride?? H: I guess I can though (I figured he was kidding but wasn't sure) Me: Really? H: Hahaha....kidding...I'll be there Me: ok...thx...see you tomorrow! H: K H: Don't think that you'll be taking advantage of me again!!!! Me: Oh that's a bummer! (wink smiley face)
He picked us up the next day and we had dinner, he was quiet. I asked if he was ok, he said his back was really hurting. (from being in the car).
Thoughts? Interesting I would say. Again, I'm trying not to jump the gun and get to excited but definitely a change in the status quo. He had avoided even touching me if he could. The fact that he is joking with me is good too, it doesn't seem like he regrets it...we are married!
Out of time...will follow up with what happened when I got home.
Me-44 (45) H- 50 (51) M-'96
S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)
BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas) home Oct(sep rooms) (EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed) insists wants D through July 2015 no more talk of D since
Lost, I'm glad to hear about the fun you had. It is confusing, but it definitely sounds fun.
You have to not have expectations and come to the realization that this could go either way. Seriously.
With that said, I think you should continue to play the flirt card. When you get home things will undoubtably change as the monotony of life takes over again. Keep having fun. Do things on your own. GAL!!!!! And STFU!!!! And most importantly start courting him again. When issues arise, act as if they don't matter and validate his feelings. At the same time get with a coach immediately!!!
This could be a crucial turning point in your story, but you have to take advantage of it, and be the change.
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
