LBS trying to get it right

[25yearsmlc]

[quote=Ontheup]"And Ghost, don't be so sure there is not another man somewhere in the works. 99% of the time

I apologize if this offends, but in my opinion these fake statistics are Not helpful. In fact, they can be distracting, since Ghost has already done what he believes is thorough research into the matter -

AND b/c he's trying to own his own role in the marital woes, and to identify when he reverts. When someone keeps searching for OM/OWs it is

sometimes to avoid looking at the one person in this ordeal whom they can actually control, themselves....or to avoid owning their role.

So for me, it's almost wasteful & destructive to keep sewing doubt in someone who is trying so hard to work on themselves. I mean, if an OP is not an absolute deal breaker for him,
then what purpose is there in continually harping on the possibility? (To wake him up? To what? Where the money is going? Ghost, do you know your finances? Are you at risk if she's hiding money?

I see Ghost as a man on a path of self improvement so that he becomes the better choice,

thus, regardless of whether there is an OM, he's fighting the same fight.


there is another man/woman in the works and it can surprise the heck out of you how devious our spouses can be"


"grow a pair and stand up to her. Again, you cannot nice her back, you cannot start all the things you should have been doing in the marriage now and expect it to matter to her. It will not. If anything, it will just piss her off.

The other comment I'd make is, to, please avoid projecting our own fears or particulars from our marriage, onto someone else's. There's so much negative mind reading going on there, I am smh.

YES there are common themes in our situations - but at the same time they are NOT all alike. So, Let's tread lightly here.

Expect spewing from her, expect her to try to manipulate you, expect her to lay all the blame for the breakup on you.


There's value in this^^ but Ghost, don't lose sight of what my DB coach said, which is to "Get better, Not bItter"

and to give your spouse something to live UP to, not with expectations that set you up for disappointment, but with as much authentic appreciation of the value they bring, as you can.

That's^^^ NOT being a doormat, rather, its being detached enough to do the work this DB process takes,

while also not becoming a bItter spouse.

This is Not an easy ordeal, (which is why I use the term "ordeal.")

And it is truly a marathon, not a sprint.

I'm very very glad you have a DB coach! I still say the single most important and most specifically helpful thing I did to save my m, was getting a DB coach.

She was truly a Godsend for me. Good luck!