Youth is occasionally dumb, if you want that tattoo removed go do it, make the effort.
It's ok, I just wish kids knew it's harder and more painful to remove these than put them on. However I will one day have a tattoo in an unmentionable place, I want the funeral director to be shocked.
Now what should I have?
I am pleased you reviewed your position on OW. What nice gal wants an involved guy anyway?
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
We had a few back and forth in gmail. She really laid it out. How she felt. She was sick of me always promising to change and not doing it. And you guys were right, the years of drug addiction and drinking is still front and center in her mind.
I know I shouldn't have but I ended up practically yelling (caps) that I HAVE changed. I don't want that old life back, it didn't work. I am still the man she married. I've wanted to be him again for so long. I just didn't know it was this bad. And I really didn't see it coming, if I did I would have changed sooner.
I know, I shouldn't have said that. I was overwhelmingly desperate and scared.
It's ok dys, addiction was a big part of my M ending too. And my W told me yesterday she wanted to file. I'm with you on this journey, and I share your pain. It hurts worse than anything we can imagine to know that we'l never go back to our old ways but it may be too late.
I used to scream that I had changed, that I never knew it was that big a deal for her. My W would roll joints for me and even bought me weed. She'd buy beer for me and drive me around when I was high. But that didn't mean I had to keep living that way.
What you can focus on now is time and yourself. I'm on day 200 today, it's a big accomplishment and nothing at all. I've got a lifetime of days to count.
Stay clean, but more importantly start working on what was underneath your use. Dive into that. Deep. Be fearless, you've got nothing else to lose at this point.
I'm sending you strength dys, as someone who stands in your same shoes. We'll get through this.
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
It's ok dys, addiction was a big part of my M ending too. And my W told me yesterday she wanted to file. I'm with you on this journey, and I share your pain. It hurts worse than anything we can imagine to know that we'l never go back to our old ways but it may be too late.
I used to scream that I had changed, that I never knew it was that big a deal for her. My W would roll joints for me and even bought me weed. She'd buy beer for me and drive me around when I was high. But that didn't mean I had to keep living that way.
What you can focus on now is time and yourself. I'm on day 200 today, it's a big accomplishment and nothing at all. I've got a lifetime of days to count.
Stay clean, but more importantly start working on what was underneath your use. Dive into that. Deep. Be fearless, you've got nothing else to lose at this point.
I'm sending you strength dys, as someone who stands in your same shoes. We'll get through this.
PP
That brought some tears man. I'm trying so, so, so hard. I'm NOT the man she stopped loving. She is far too precious to me to let this be the end. I can be that man again, I WANT to be him again. It's all I want...
PP, thank you again. It's nice knowing you feel what it's like in these shoes.
I remember come 8 or 9 at night she would go hide in her room because out would come the booze and she never knew what I was going to do. Or come payday, who did I owe this time. The money she had planned to use had to go to pay whoever had fronted for me.
God this hurts so, so, so, so bad. To my core. This can't be over, not now. Not when I'm finally listening, I'm finally getting it!
I feel you dys. I really do. I'm going to give you the same advice I got, I fought, and finally, when I accepted, changed everything for me.
Breathe, and give her time. Stay your course, and know that there's nothing you can do prove to her today that you'll stay sober. And everything you do today will seem like you're only doing it for her - except giving her time and space.
Time is your friend. It's HELL to hear that, but it's the truth. Lady V will probably come on here and tell you the same thing, but it's it absolutely true.
A week of good behavior is nothing, neither is a month, three months...now maybe she thinks it's sticking...six months is even better, but many people have gone six months and then relapsed.
You've got to take all that pain and anger and anguish and put it towards dealing with your demons my friend. Get into come counseling if you're not already, work the steps if you're in a 12 step program. White knuckling this won't solve anything, you've got to change the man that allowed the drinking to happen, not change the booze.
Think of addiction like the rotten roots of a tree. If you just cut the branches off, the root hasn't been fixed. You have to dig deep on this, and breathe through more pain that you ever knew existed in the world. And do it all feeling for the first time in a long time. I'll tell you, sobriety and separation in the same timeframe is a literal hell. BUT, you can use the fires to turn yourself into a new man. Burn away the old, let the new come to light.
What's your plan for sobriety? I'm sorry if it's listed in your thread I'm getting here a bit late. Are you in AA? Do you have a sponsor? Do you have a plan for what you're going to replace all that drinking with?
Get a hold of the Big Book, and get a hold of This is How. Read them both.
You can tell me to go (censored) myself, but I'm going to tell you that your W leaving is the best thing that ever happened to you. It was the wake up call that you needed. Right now it [censored], but she may very well have saved your life or someone else's.
Cadet told you she gave you a gift with the time, use it wisely. I'll keep checking in on you so keep posting.
Be strong dys.
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
