trying to figure this out

[Pyrite]

why was your H not happy with the M and want out? You have mentioned your OCD and being pushy, was this it really. I can imagine how it would be hard to live with and he just cracked – the saying around here “believe none of what you here and only half of what you see” – I think has a a further interpretation. His selfishness and callousness are not necessarily “real”. They are just his coping mechanism, his way of protecting himself and justifying his behaviour.

So it’s like you are blindfolded and feeling the trunk of an elephant. Concluding that it is a snake would fit, but it is wrong.

I gather you have long received treatment for your OCD and let me preface this with I have absolutely no experience with this disorder (per se) but I would imagine that one thing you need to do is calm your mind. This works for us because it is what we need to do to detach as well. In the early stages we are all a little bit OCD, frantically obsessed by our sitch. I can imagine this would be even worse if you already had a problem in this area.

At the risk of sounding like a broken record, and it is my “cure all” remedy - meditation. I lament that people seem to have a misguided interpretation of meditation. Sure, maybe meditation strictly means in one sense sitting in the lotus position and aspiring to enlightenment but I don’t belive this is helpful as a beginner, and certainly not in times of crisis.

Probably you have been through this before, but I will try and bring us back to detachment as we go.

The ultimate goal of meditation, lets say in Buddhist rems, is to attain enlightenment, or nirvana eve lets say. The acknowledgement is that our minds are cluttered by a million thoughts per second, and the idea is to clear ALL of these. This is of course So how to proceed? Lets try and focus on just one thing. Even this is very hard IF not impossible. Lets choose the almighty breath to focus on.

The idea is that you focus on your breath, one thing, so effectively, and with the intention of removing this one focus even that eventually you will free your mind completely and attain nirvana. NOBODY achieves this. Well that is a stretch, but monks meditate for 100 years and still strive to achieve this.

So in that sense there is a notion of success and failure. But this is a fallacy. The practice is the success, and there is no failure. Happiness is not a place you get to, it is along the journey.

Direct your focus. That is the benefit “mediatation”. Look at a dew drop on the grass. How far into the dew drop can you see? Can you see reflections on the drop? Is there anything inside the droplet? Can you see through the droplet? What would life be like inside the droplet? What would I see looking out?

I guarantee that spending 30 seconds doing this, with anything, anywhere, will leave you more relaxed, and put things into perspective – if only just for a moment – when you return to “reality”. Reality will still be there when you return and the “moments” will get longer and easier and more a part of you. It is not about success or failure remember, practice is success.

Detachment is of course the undoing of attachment. Its OK to be attached to something, but that attachment, can be detrimental as it is here.

I know with me, my W was on my mind 24/7, constantly. For a fraction of your time that suits, maybe 1 minute out of every hour for example close your eyes and say to yourself “For the next minute I will NOT think about my H. The next minute is for me.” Almost guaranteed the first thing you will think of is your H. That’s OK, keep going, if you manage to NOT think of him just once in this first minute that is outstanding progress. Even if you don’t manage it, try it again the next hour, and the next.

So what can you focus on – breath is the best thing. Where does the breath enter your body? Where do you feel it the most? Is it hot or is it cold? What about on exhale? Is your exhale quicker than your inhale? Where does the breath go? Does your chest rise and fall, or your tummy go in and out? Don’t even try to control your breath. Just observe. Minutes up!

I have many other suggestions and things to say that I think will help you but for starters just try this. The carry through to your “reality” is simply this: In the rest of the hour, when you catch yourself thinking about your H just try to remember that one minute, or one moment when you didn’t, and you were calm.

And remember there is no failure. Guaranteed you will wind up in a knot again. That doesn’t mean you have made no progress. Another copy/paste –

So – take home message – go easy on yourself. Forgive yourself for taking a few steps backwards every now and then. It happens. It is part of the process. The process of grief. Grief for the loss of a loved one. Not from this world as your loved one, but from your love as part of this world.