So I've posted a few other threads, but can't figure out how to copy the links. Sorry.
Short version, married 13 years, together 17 years, 7 yo son, 4 yo daughter, I'm 36, W 36. About a year ago we started having nasty conversations (really she said some really hurtful things to me then apologized saying she had just been drunk). 5 or 6 months ago she told me she didn't know if this would work anymore and that she didn't know if she wanted it to. In September of 2014 I had a flair up of an autoimmune disease that typically puts people in wheel chairs and using feeding tubes. I had to slow down at the gym and lost a lot of strength due to muscle damage. She redoubled her efforts to get stronger and more fit. i found out that in April of this year she began an A. In the last 5 months she has been more focused on working out and getting more fit, she has gotten a tattoo, she is getting braces, she has begun to act like she was 20 again rather than being a mother of 2 and wife in her late 30s, she is complaining about how the kids have ruined her body, she has said she feels trapped and smothered by me and the kids. As I read the MLC forum it seems more and more like an MLC.
I think the A and WW are more symptoms of the MLC. Is that something typical?
When I confronted her about the A (I had actual proof in several forms) I made a demand that she either choose our M or the OM, she couldn't have both. I gave her until I was able to meet with an atty to decide. She had been saying for months that she didn't know what she wanted (to work on us or not, stay together or split) and said at that time she still didn't know and needed time to decide. The next morning she told me that she felt a D was inevitable. I left and right before my apt with the atty I texted her and asked if she was certain this was what she wanted. She said she didn't know and asked if we could take a breath and reevaluate things in a month or two. I said we could on a few conditions:
1. She had to end the A immediately. 2. She would see a therapist herself. 3. We would go to MC together.
There may have been one or two more, but those were the big ones. She agreed to all of them.
As far as I know she has ended the A. She showed me the text she sent him and his response. She has given me access to her phone and accounts. That said she hid all of this from me for months and could easily be deleting texts, emails, phone calls, etc. She has begun to check in with me again throughout the day and seems to be more involved in what is going on.
She went to a therapist once.
She has not found an MC, in fact the only time she has talked to an MC is when I offered some of my sessions with a DB coach for her and us together.
She is saying she wants to work on things and for a day or two after a session with the DB coach she seems on board, but then things fizzle. I am not sure if I should be using DB tactics for a WW or an MLC or some crazy combo of the two. I've got a call tomorrow with my DB coach to get a better idea, but right now I am sort of lost. I don't know if the A was a symptom of the MLC or if I am just trying to make excuses for her.
This is a terrible ride and I want off!
M: 36 yo W: 36 yo S: 7 D: 4 M: 13 yrs BD: 6/14 (??) PE Confirmed 7/15 (4 months) The road to recovery starts now
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Thanks Cadet! There are a great deal of new threads to read. It's a little overwhelming how much info is out there and trying to dig through that while just trying to keep my head on straight for our kids let alone myself just compounds the issue.
M: 36 yo W: 36 yo S: 7 D: 4 M: 13 yrs BD: 6/14 (??) PE Confirmed 7/15 (4 months) The road to recovery starts now
Thanks Cadet! There are a great deal of new threads to read. It's a little overwhelming how much info is out there and trying to dig through that while just trying to keep my head on straight for our kids let alone myself just compounds the issue.
Yes there is a lot out there.
Take it slow and do it at your own pace.
Ever hear the best way to eat an elephant? One bite at a time.
Hey there, HH - Sorry you are going through all this. Welcome to the club nobody wants to join.
As to whether this is MLC or just a WAW - really doesn't matter. In your case, the symptoms are the same regardless.
She may be not well cut out for motherhood, and trying to escape. Or she may be unable to cope with your illness (rotten, I know, you'd hope you could count on your spouse to have your back when you're sick, but some of them just can't deal. Mine couldn't, and my thyroid disease was much less serious than your illness.)
(Speaking of your illness- please look up low dose naltrexone, an inexpensive and safe use of an old drug which has been shown in studies to help MS, Crohn's disease and fibromyalgia, and anecdotally may help other autoimmune conditions. Also, if it IS MS, just be aware that sometimes B12 deficiency can be mistaken for MS, make sure your B12 levels are above 400.)
So - for you - believe it or not, this is a fabulous opportunity for self-growth, regardless of how your marriage turns out. Some things to contemplate:
- what things can YOU work on about YOURSELF to make yourself a better partner? Bear in mind, this usually is not ABOUT the lBS, but none of us are perfect, and it's a great opportunity to take stock and fix the things we can.
- second, are there any objective medical reasons for your wife to go off the deep end? These are not common - the most common cause is plan old depression, and trying to fix it with the excitement of an affair - but on rare occasions, things like drug reactions (for example, certain Parkinson's drugs can cause compulsive gambling or sex addiction), gastric bypass (some people transfer their food addiction to sex or gambling after gastric bypass), head trauma, addictions or other conditions are a contributing factor. Does she have any health problems or take any medicines?
- third - focus on being the best dad you possibly can, and make each decision with them in mind.
- fourth - you've taken a hard-line stance with W (which is not necessarily wrong) but you must be willing to live with the consequences. I recommend that you see an attorney just for an initial consultation, to find out what you legal and financial situation would look like if you were to divorce. You may want to take steps now to protect yourself and your access to your children, just in case this does end up in divorce.
- fifth - if you want to go to marriage counseling and she has agreed to it, YOU make the appointments.
- sixth - what do you think her underlying issues are? What was her family of origin like? Was there illness or death in her family? And, if you're honest with yourself, was she a good spouse before all this began, or did she always have serious issues?
Some final advice: take the high road. Work on yourself. Take care of your health (stress is a killer - be sure to work some stress-relief into your schedule). Protect yourself financially. Ask yourself before you say anything:" will saying this get me closer to my goals?"
Thanks for responding. I'll reply quickly, but want to answer point by point some of your post. You give really great insight. My W has suffered depression, anxiety, and ADHD in the past. She is taking medication for the anxiety currently.
I have met with the atty on several occasions and the W knows this. I'm not using it to pressure or manipulate her. I just want to be transparent about it. She suggested the D and didn't do anything about it so I was not going to sit around. I am about as prepared for what my stance is as I can be. Which is to say not well at all at this point.
You have a good point about the MC. I can't put the responsibility solely on her shoulders. At least she will talk with my DB coach so I will just keep going down that route for now.
She never had a very loving family and doesn't have a really good example of what a long term marriage looks like. When we first met she lost her GF due to Alzheimer's and had not lost anyone since then until after my recent flair up when she lost her GM. They weren't close, but that was right after my flair and after she started to be unhappy with aging. She has been worrying about wrinkles and such for the last year, and I mean almost obsessively. Honestly I think she was a really good partner. We worked through a lot. From the time we were just getting together in college we have overcome some serious financial and health issues and we have both helped the other get back on our feet and come out of some dark places. That's not to say she hasn't had unresolved issues since we met. Then again I think if we are all honest we all have some unresolved issues.
I am working on taking the high road and focusing on fixing what I have control over. I can only help her as much as she helps herself, but I need to help me be the best me first. I've seen a difference in how our kids respond to me and behave since beginning to really self reflect about 6 months ago. I love how far I've come with that and that is one of the beacons in this dark lonely place.
M: 36 yo W: 36 yo S: 7 D: 4 M: 13 yrs BD: 6/14 (??) PE Confirmed 7/15 (4 months) The road to recovery starts now
Sorry you are in this sandbax .. its a long haul thats for sure.
One thing as I read your sitch over in the other area .. sandi was giving you some very solid information there. The issue with boundaries.
Quote:
I said we could on a few conditions:
1. She had to end the A immediately. 2. She would see a therapist herself. 3. We would go to MC together.
From what I can tell/have read ... you are not certain #1 is being held to ... you think so ... I guess even in my case there is a point you can not be 100% sure. But #2 and #3 are not being done either .... if you place a boundary, you really have to dig in and hold firm otherwise ... just like with kids, they test, do what they want and push the limit .. over time she will not respect any boundary you put down .. its very important if you drew the line in the sand, you really need to hold to it and not waiver.
