trying to figure this out

[Pyrite]

One at a time maybe…

hey Little1,

I might be better able to help if you talk to me a bit. Where do you feel you are at now? What is your biggest concern?
--Right now I feel lost. I am so afraid that my the one thing I want most is gone for good. We had started talking about him coming home (he started) and I let my guard down and sstarted to believe, got pushy and he ran back. So I am back at square one.

As V has pointed out to you we are all just posters like you. Some of us have been around for longer than others, have differing opinions etc. So basically, disclaimer, take what I have to say with a grain of salt. Secondly, around here it is known as a 2*4. I might even whack you upside the head with a 2*4 for what I consider your own good. It may not even be for your own good, I might be way out of line, but thats what you get from these online forums i guess. Anyway, dont interpret it as an attack on you.

all that said - just gently - this isn't a huge deal but your language isn't helping you. i.e. "gone for good". this might end up being the case, but right now avoid such catastrophic descriptions as "destroyed, gone forever, my life is over" etc. It aint gonna make it all go away, it is just a little thing to be mindful of, and being mindful in a +ve direction it doesn't matter how small it is, it is in the right direction.

“What you want most”. Really? You want your H most of all, above your kids? I don’t think so. Maybe you mean family. You are in a bad place right now and your perspective is screwed, and I don’t want to minimize the importance of “family” at all (that’s why I am here too remember) but you and your kids ARE a family. Your H is not being very kind to his family at all right now and is thinking absolutely about himself. This selfishness does not belong in “family”.

Being back at square one – I have never got close to “piecing”. My W just pushes harder the other way with each passing day. I cant say from personal experience but it is a really hard call to make. If you have to tiptoe around and fine tune the sitch to such a degree to get him to even come home – is this a good starting point? I suspect the WAS needs to be 100% remorseful and totally committed for there to be a chance at R. Sandi has a number of incedible threads about WWs that talk about this, but I think this much applies to WHs as well.

However, there is absolutely behaviour on your part that you should resist. This is just another reason you HAVE to detach. I will copy a section from my latest update on my thread and post this much, but I have more coming.

I came to these boards NOT wanting to let go of my M. I desperately wanted to R with my W and save my family. I wanted to bust this D. These boards gave me hope that this was possible, and it is possible. The truth though is that it is not the likely outcome for most of us.